If I had Never Left
by Sunshine-M
Summary: What if Tara had stayed? This is my take on a angsty version of my Jax and Tara "what if". I'll update the TW as we go. TW for suicdal thoughts and depression and more in the second chapter. R&R, to let me know if there's an audience for this! Disclaimer: I own nothing, don't sue
1. Chapter 1

_This would take place around the time season 1 started with some major changes you'll discover as we go if there's an interest._

The woman was taking in the town, trying to decide whether moving there would be a good idea. Her business could be conducted anywhere, but Venus was in the mood for something sunnier than her previous workplaces.

To be completely honest, Charming was not living up to its name, but it seemed close enough. She felt like she needed to see more, wanted to make an inform decision before she made any decision. She took in the picturesque barber shop, and the wide street.

She sat at an outside table in front of a coffee shop, taking sips from her venti cup. Her sunglasses firmly in place, she tried to imagine what it would be like to live there.

The brunette watched the people going at their business and their everyday life, and for a milli second, she envied them. Then again, she knew who she was and everybody who had a problem with that could keep their mouth shut unless they wanted to face her wrath.

She took another sip, then adjusted her top to put forward what she considered some of her best assets.

Something on the side caught her eye, and she noticed a woman. She seemed young, yet old. There was a purity to her face that didn't make her look a day over eighteen, but there was a sadness too, that showed she was not a child anymore.

Yet, this was not what had caught her eye. The woman/girl/woman looked in trance. She was coming out of a building across the street, and she looked completely out of it. She seemed focused on her thoughts, which did not look to be full of puppies and kittens, nor rainbows given the pain her face expressed.

Venus wanted to go to her, but what would she say? They were strangers.

The woman was walking, and it was obvious she was just going though the motions, not really paying attention to her surroundings. And then, she was. She raised her head, and Venus felt her heart break when she saw the anguish on her face. The brown-haired woman looked at the street and seemed to spot something. Her face turned back to look toward the sidewalk, across from her. She started walking.

In that instant, Venus felt frozen. It was like a scene from one of those movies, where you saw a chick dress in white going her way, almost like a ghost, toward something, more often than not, death. It reminded her of a painting she had seen of Ophelia drowning.

Ophelia did not stop, and Venus heard a truck honking like mad. She kept on walking.

She was going to kill herself, the older woman realized. Everything felt like it was in slow motion. Later on, she would be unable to describe when and how she got off her seat, but the next thing she'd remember would be rolling on the road, Ophelia weeping in her arms, as the truck passed them by.

She had saved her, but the woman couldn't stop crying like she had been deprived of something. People were screaming around them, saying something about needing an ambulance. The barber ran out of his shop and came to them, asking:

"Do you need help? M'am, you're bleeding!"

"Oh Shit," Venus said, looking at the spot of red on her top, yet still holding onto Ophelia.

Well, welcome to Charming.

_I am not sure about this. I know where I want to go, I need to know if people would read, so R&R, or just let met know!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and behaviour, along with serious illness**

When she came to, Tara needed a moment to realize where she was. The constant beeping clued her in on the specifics, but her first thought was that she was not back at her house. She felt like she had been run over by a truck, and could tell she was wounded in several places, but it did not compute right away. Later on, she would reflect those few seconds when she was disoriented had been the most peaceful in a while. It only took a jiffy or so for everything to rush back, and she found herself silently weeping, once again.

She tried to lift her hand to her face, but realized quickly she was restrained to the hospital bed. She never found the will or strength in her to try and free herself, she just simply gave in.

She remembered everything, and it was killing her once again. She could hear the doctor's voice, could see the concerned look of the staff. She heard the bullshit all tried to give her, and how that sinking feeling in her belly had turned to certainty. She closed her eyes, trying to pretend that if she could not see then the world could not spot her either.

The words… They rang in her ear. There was an ache in her heart, a weariness in her bones, she could barely tell what was what, yet, she felt… It. The intruder. The reason why she was dying.

The tears were flowing down her cheeks, and she would have let them do so, even if she had been free to wipe them off. She could not care about how she looked, about anyone spotting her thus. Charming was a gossip town anyway, and people would be talking about her action for a long time. Hopefully, she would be be six feet under and unable to hear them as quickly as possible.

"Don't cry," she heard a grave yet feminine voice say.

She wanted to ignore it, but noted it came from beyond a curtain next to her hospital bed.

The tall woman. The one who had caught her before the truck could have done what she had hoped to do. It had to be her, the emergency rooms were too small to accommodate them separately if the brunette was there for treatment.

"Don't ignore me either, that's rude."

Tara hoped for the strength to snort or say fuck you, or anything, but she was reduced to crying silently.

"Charming people aren't that charming, pardon the bad pun," the brunette went on from the other side of the curtain.

"I…."

Her voice didn't feel like her own, and she felt lost. Then again, it was pretty much a recurring theme.

"You?" The woman prompted.

"I guess I should thank you," Tara managed to utter after a while, her voice hoarse, and her tone defeated.

"It doesn't sound like you want to thank me."

"Probably 'cause I don't…. Sorry. I know it's rude. You're in here, you must be injured, and I must seem like an ungrateful brat…"

"You can't see me but I'm nodding along in approval."

Tara opened her eyes, and looked et the ceiling. She was in so much shit. There would be tests. There would be sentencing, much like a trial. Yet she felt like she had already gotten her verdict and needed to act accordingly. They would not let her get out of here any time soon. She was so beyond fucked.

"Wanna tell me why you jumped in front of a semi?"

"Not really."

"You looked… Devastated, but determined, I almost feel guilty now I stopped you."

Tara bit her tongue as she wished the woman had indeed refrained. This could all be over already.

"Are you still crying? I can hear sniffling."

"I guess I am guilty. If they removed the restrains, I could wipe my nose…"

There was a shuffling noise, and the woman barely had time to realize what was happening when she saw the tall brunette brush the curtain between them away, before grabbing a tissue and putting it against her nose.

It was too much, yet she did what was expected of her.

"Nice Adam's apple," she said, speaking whatever was crossing her mind.

"I happen to think so too. Is that a problem?"

For the first time in what felt like forever, Tara snorted and said:

"Your being trans is a non-issue. You do you, boo, and all that shit."

"I'm Venus."

"I'm nobody."

"Now that's rude."

"I guess it is. You can call me Nephtys then…"

It felt like a good fit, as that was the goddess of the Egyptian underworld.

"We're two goddesses then, are we?" the brunette asked, coming to sit at the end of her bed.

"I guess we are."

"Love and death."

"You do know your mythology…"

"When I was younger, I may have considered an easy way out myself, and came across Nephtys, guardian of the dead, the one who walks the deceased to Osiris, master of the Dead," Venus admitted, looking like she was not too keen to reveal more, and the Californian did not want to push.

"I don't trust my heart to weight less than Maat's feather," Tara said, referring to the weighing of the heart, the Egyptian ritual in which a heavy heart meant corruption and thus denied its owner entry to the Duat, or the nice part of the underworld.

"I don't either. When time comes for that shit, I'm a goner. But hey, I will have lived how I wanted."

There was a moment of silence, as the two women considered where they were, what they wanted to say or not, how to pursue, and more.

Tara watched as a man went to another one in the ER, and was reminded of her emergency contact.

"Thank God," she half whispered.

"What?"

"Nothing… Just, glad it's that ex-boyfriend and not that other ex who will be called."

Then again, was she so glad about that? She wished they would forget to call anybody, and she'd be able to slip out unnoticed. Wishes were all she had left.

Her fucking head was hurting so much.

"When do you get out?" She asked Venus.

"Not for some time. They're waiting to find me some lodgings above. I need some surgery."

"Fuck…"

"Yes, fuck. Do feel guilty. Just because you attempted suicide doesn't mean you get to be forgiven for my shit."

"What did I do to you?" Tara asked, feeling as if her soul was weighing a ton more already.

"One of my boobs took the grunt of our fall. I'm not showing you what's happening behind that shitty blouse, but I need an implant removed and replaced, as it seems to be on the brink of exploding."

Talk about irony.

Unexpectedly, and almost against her will, Tara found herself crying hard, barely able to take a breath in or out. It was too much. Why did life had to be such a bitch? Of all the injuries the other woman could have sustained, why did it have to be this one? Was fate afraid Tara could forget for one second what was happening, why she was dying, why she needed to die on her terms, before it was too late?

"Calm down sweetie," the brunette said, trying to get her to quiet down, but there was no stopping this impending storm.

A nurse came rushing in, but Venus sent her away. It would have been impressive, if Tara hadn't wanted to simply die.

There was no other way to express it. This was what she wanted. She wanted to be dead. She didn't want to feel, nor go through what the next motions would be. She wanted it to stop. She had suffered for a lifetime, or so it felt, and now life was offering more agony. She couldn't take it. She just couldn't.

There were so many thoughts on her mind… She thought about the man she had loved so dearly, so much, and also of the one she had hoped to build a future with, since her first love was too messy to be the real deal. That fucking first love popped up again in her thoughts, and it was just so typical of that asshole….

She thought of the family she would never have. She thought of the family she had barely had had. She couldn't imagine a future apart from the past few years, and she couldn't tell if having lived differently would have made her feel some other way about all of this divine punishment.

It was just too much. Why did she have to keep going, when all she wanted was to end it?

She saw from the corner of her eye a doctor make his way to them, and she saw the syringe.

Maybe this was it, this was her deliverance. Maybe God was having sweet mercy on her sinful soul.

Yet, when he uncapped the syringe, she tried to yell at the top of her lungs, or so she thought, but no sound was escaping her mouth.

"It's gonna be okay, love," Venus said, as she held her down for the doctor to be able to jab her with the needle.

"Don't let them put me to sleep, I won't wake up. I'll die…" She whimpered

"Oh Darling, why would you die? You just need a little sleep…"

"My soul is ripe for the taking. Don't make it easier on the Reaper to get to me…. I'm already doomed."

She could tell she was rambling what could be considered nonsense, and finally uttered the dreaded sentence:

"I've got cancer."

The look in Venus' eyes would have made her weep more, if the sedative had not kicked in. The only thing she was aware of, before going under was of a fair haired-man saying:

"Tara?"


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: A very short update, but I have trouble getting my muse to cooperate, and I'm in dire need of reassurance I guess, that somewhere, someone is reading and waiting. Please let me know what you think_

She dreamed.

She dreamed of a nice tall brown-haired woman who made her feel like home.

She dreamed of her mother, before everything went down, how she used to be, how she would take her for long strolls in Charming, telling her that one day she would be the queen of her little kingdom she would call her family.

She dreamed of her father, except it did not feel like dreaming so much, but more like she was meeting halfway. Halfway where? That was the question.

She dreamed of Gemma, who always hated her, yet managed to hold her contempt back for a second or two, eyeing her as if she was a leper, nonetheless.

She dreamed of J.T and that was unexpected. She felt his embrace, his arms around her, saw the sadness in his eyes, but heard his pleas to … try, for lack of a better word.

She dreamed of Jax.

She dreamed of riding his bike, her eyes fastened around his waist, that stupid helmet firmly on her head. Her chin was resting against his back, and even though she could not see his face, she knew he was smiling. Somewhere, somehow, she remembered this had happened, several times, when they were in high school, when he would get her to ditch P.E or something, and they would just drive away.

She dreamed of waking up in his arms, of his smell feeling her nose, of his heat warming her up. She dreamed of his kisses, and confessions uttered in a low voice.

She dreamed of the first time they said goodbye. She dreamed about the second time too.

She dreamed of everything and anything, in addition to other things.

She dreamed a dream of a life not lived, with two little boys with his blonde hair, and at least three little girls with her dark curls. She saw herself kissing her man, scratching a dog's ear, and taking her last born in her arms, ready to breast feed him.

Except when she took of her top to nurse him, she did not have a breast, only a ugly scar, and veins so dark they marred her skin.

The baby was gone, and so was her fantasy. All that remained was the nightmare her life had become.

She woke up weeping, praying for death to come and get her.

"Sh, honey, it'll be okay," she heard.

It would not be okay.

It never could.

Behind her closed eyes, she saw the leather jacket the Sons wore, and she wondered if the Reaper had always been waiting for her.

_A/N Sorry this was so short... Thoughts?_


	4. Chapter 4

"You need to tell him", Cherry told her man as he worked on a car.

"Don't … Don't shout things like that", Kip said, his popping up from under the hood to make sure no one had heard them.

"It's huge, he needs to know! And stop being such a pussy, we're alone."

"In this MC, you think you're alone, and then you're not," Kip said, before coming to his woman and squeezing the part of her she had just accused him of being. "You're a pussy, I'm a dick, FYI."

"Made for each other" Cherry beamed, before kissing him languorously.

He went back to whatever he was doing and she lost her track of thoughts for a moment as she saw he had gotten car grease on her skirt.

"Still, you need to tell him," she started again.

"I really don't."

"Kip! I know you only have one ball, and I do love it, but for fuck's sake, act like you've got a pair!"

The prospect sighed and then emerged from behind the car once again. This time, he took the time to wipe his hands clean-ish before coming to put his hands on her hips.

"Babe… It's just too complicated… Jax and Tara… Man… It's just…"

"I know, but still!"

"You don't know, you weren't around for most of it!"

"But you told me, and I enquired, and I know. I mean, the guy was supposed to marry whatever the fuck was her name, may she rest in peace, and he forgot to show up for the ceremony because he was balls deep in his ex."

"You know, I'm all for dirty talk, but when it comes to these two, you can't say stuff like that. It's not that it isn't true, it's 'cause I don't want to get in trouble over some pussy I'm not the one getting. Not that I'd like to be getting my sweets from her… Fuck, Cherry, help me, you're gonna leave me if I keep talking."

"Indeed", the blonde said, half annoyed. "Thing is, the town knows."

"The town doesn't know shit. Hell, I've been here almost two full years, and I still don't know what's their deal. People outside the MC, they may think they know, but they don't."

"But babe, you really need to tell him."

Kip relented, and said:

"When he comes back from Washington State, I'll tru and see if I can drop him a word or something. But babe, I want to Old Lady and marry you."

"I don't see how it's incompatible…"

"I'm just about to get patched in. The moment I do, I pledge my loyalty, and then I will make you my Old Lady and my wife, and we'll have tons of babies."

"You're sweet talking me…"

"I'm telling you why I'm reluctant to follow your advice, which I would normally take without a second glance. I am so close babe, so close to being able to provide for you, and to have what I worked for. What if being the bearer of bad news gets me thrown out? I know it's cowardly, and egoistic and whatever, but babe, we're so close…."

Cherry sighed, before putting her head against his chest.

"I get it, babe. I'm sorry. I'm pushy. I just…"

"You've got empathy, which is amazing. I'll try, I promise you that, but if I get a whiff of this getting me thrown out, then I'll just be a coward an shut my mouth. Besides, how do you tell a guy his ex-girlfriend he has that sort of history with that said ex has cancer?"

"I don't know babe. Just hold me."

Which he did, gladly. Neither of them saw or heard the woman spying on them close the door and walk away.

SOASOASOASOASOA

They sedated her again, and she felt like she was floating. It was atrocious. Part of her was aware, cognitively so of everything that had happened and was happening, but it felt like there was an elephant sitting on her chest, making it difficult to do anything, whether it was get up, or plainly feel.

She looked around and noticed she had been moved to an actual room this time.

"Darling, do you want to talk?" the brunette with a southern drawl asked her.

"How come we're in the same room?" Tara asked.

"I insisted. Besides, I didn't want to have you go in the system and get lost. I wanted you to have a friendly face to come too."

"How long was I out?"

"Almost a full day."

"What about your injury?"

"I had my first intervention while you were sleeping," Venus said, and Tara noticed the bandage around her torso. "They removed the damaged implants. They're waiting on the company who made them to send a new perfect one so that I won't end up with uneven breasts…"

"My left boob has always been slightly bigger than my right one…" Tara said. "I don't think he ever minded," she heard herself whisper.

"Which is great, but you , given the price those puppies cost me, I want to live up to my name. Though," and Venus snorted at that, "I never thought I would find myself using the warranty of such a product. I'm not being charged a dime, except for the hospital fees of course."

"Shit, I forgot about that," the younger woman said.

"Don't think about it then. Just rest. Or talk. Or watch bad TV. Just… do whatever, and know that I'm here, if you want to talk, Tara."

"I'm sorry I never gave you my real name…"

"You were in shock, darling, that's no problem. Who was that boy though?"

Tara thought back about the instants before the sedatives had kicked in in the ER.

"It was a prospect, from the local MC. God, what did he hear?"

"Probably nothing… There was too much noise as we were all acting around you." Venus tried to soothe her.

"He'll better keep his mouth shut, or I'll do it for him…"

"I'll help you with stapling it shut if need be."

Tara chuckled, then felt a tear roll down her cheek.

"Why are you being so nice to me? I killed your boob. You should hate me."

"Maybe I'm not in the business of doing what I should, or maybe I'm the one who decide what is good for me or not. Plus, as I told you, free new boob!"

Tara wished she could speak, but she was still caught between two worlds, the one where she was so doped, she couldn't feel a thing, and the one where she was painfully aware of everything.

She looked for words, when the tall woman got up, and came to sit by her side, trailing behind her an IV drop.

"Maybe I see myself in you." Venus said, as if sensing that this was not a moment when joking around what was happening was welcome. "I mean, we're apples and oranges you and I, but that look in your eyes, when you aimed for that truck, I knew it. I may not know what prompted it, but I know how it felt when I had that look, and how lost and terrified, and how I just wanted everything to end."

"I wish I could see myself in you… You are so strong and…"

"I'm good at pretending. Don't get me wrong, I'm a tough ass bitch, but when I was in my previous shell, I had to find courage to shed my skin, while battling the same feelings I read in your eyes two days ago. So yes, I'm strong, but don't bet all your money on me."

This felt like an admission of epic magnitude. She could see it her eyes. The pain was not done healing, and it probably never would.

"Do you want to know the pathetic story, of Tara Knowles, Charming captive princess?"

"A princess, nice, though the captive part, not so much… But do tell."

"It's not gonna cheer you up, I have to say…"

"If it helps me understand what brought you to where… we met," Venus said, dodging that allusion, I'm all ears.

Tara took a long breathe, and another one. She was so lonely, she wasn't sure she knew how to open up anymore.

"Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was named after a Gaelic hill, 'cause her momma was Irish. I'm not Tara because of "Gone with the Wind", as so many assume."

"I guess that explain the small triquetra tattooed on your wrist."

"You know triquetra? Most people come up to me and ask me about the "Charmed" symbol…."

"Triquetra, or Trinity knot is an Irish symbol embodying the communion of body, heard and soul. I may not be a walking thesaurus, but I do know some shit…"

"I was sixteen when I got it tattooed. My father gave me hell. I was in love, and I wanted to … I don't know, have it on my skin? You're so stupid when you're sixteen…"

"Same goes when you're in love…"

"I should know, I've got a crow tattoo on the small of my back too."

"I heard about Sam … Crow?" Venus asked.

"Not as in a person. Samcro," Tara said, "as in Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle club Redwood original."

"The MC in town."

"Yeah…"

"Do go on with your story."

"I think I'm lost…"

"Why don't you tell me about the boy you got tattooed for then? Maybe it'll trigger the rest of your story…"

Tara snorted and put a hand on Venus' arm, noticing that she was not restrained anymore.

"I did not mean to make fun of you. There's a just a guy named Trager in the bloody MC. It reminded me of him. Scary dude."

"So, your boy was in the MC?"

"He still his, though he's not mine anymore."

The older woman waited patiently for her to go on or change subject.

"This princess, when she was fourteen or so, she was a class ahead people her age and got into high school sooner. There was a boy she had noticed in the past, but when she joined the school, he pulled on the charm, and she was not unmoved by his attempts… I'll talk in first person if you don't mind, it's too weird to be all Caesar like…."

"Sure. I had figured out you were the princess…"

"Yeah, I did a poor job at making it mysterious. Jax Teller, that was the name of the boy. Son of the founder of the MC. I knew him from before. My father would play poker at the compound, and sometimes I'd tag along, and I would see him. Never in a million years I thought Jax could be interested in me, except he was. He was sixteen."

She remembered how he would flirt with her in the alleyway, carrying her books, even though his bikers buddy would make fun of him later on, except for Opie.

"He was dreamy. He still is, except not all dreams are good. We were together. I loved him, and even though I've had other men, I've never loved like I loved him, nor felt as loved…. I wanted to become a doctor. He knew that, and was supportive. He finished high school before me, that's when I got the triquetra, to think of him when he was away doing prospect things. He already had a shoe in. His father had founded the club. He died when Jax was fifteen, and his mother remarried with the new president of the club."

"Ok. I will not judge and say anything along the lines of 'he better have been extremely good looking otherwise it sounds a bit like she moved on to the next president just to keep her status'… Oops, I said, didn't I?"

Tara laughed, and realized Venus had gotten hold of her hand. She was quite amazed by the fact that she did not mind.

"I think Clay always loved Gemma, and I don't think she was so in love with J.T when he passed. I don't think they cheated, then again, what do I know? She just moved on. But that's not my story."

Her tale was a messy one.

"I left when I was 18, to go to college in San Diego. I was determined to become the best surgeon ever. I remember how much I cried when my relatives were waiting for me to climb into the car with them, but I just couldn't say goodbye to my love. It broke my heart, but we promised to make it work."

"I feel a bad twist coming…"

"Of course… It was hard, with Jax being so far away. Plus, he was so dreamy… Already, when we were together, I sometimes wondered if I was the only one he turned on the charm for. Anyhoo. Four months in, he came to me, and begged me to come back to Charming. Against my better judgement, I agreed."

"You silly goose…"

"If you only knew… I started nursing school instead, to stay on course if you will. It was not surgery, but I had my man. Except one day, I had fever and several symptoms, and I had studied too much, I knew what it was pointing too. Filled with shame, I gave myself a penicillin shot to fight the syphilis."

"Oh babe…"

"I had only one man in my life. It confirmed what I suspected. I dumped him, after giving him hell like you could barely imagine."

"I would have killed him."

"I should have. No, blame that on the med… I went through nursing school, and got my degree. There was one thing I did not except though, it was for my father to become ill. He got liver cancer, and I took care of him, until he passed."

"I'm so sorry darling…"

"He was a bastard. Still, I hope he went to be with my mom. I guess I'll find out soon enough."

"Don't say stuff like that…"

"I buried him, sold his house, and started looking for a job in the nearby hospitals. One thing I had never factored in all my plans was the fact that hospitals would not be willing to hire someone who was known as an MC woman."

"But you guys were done…"

"We slept together when I put my father in the ground. It was… It was what it was. When he showed up the next day for a second round, I explained to him that I could never trust him after what had happened. He begged for me to let him have another chance, but I had just become an orphan, and I just… I wanted to give him another chance, but I also knew he would swallow me whole, if you will, if I went with him. Dating a prospect or a newly patched in member is not the same as being involved with a full member. I would have been his Old Lady."

"Other charters use the same terminology, but I'm not a fan…"

"You get used to it, to be honest… However, I told Jax that I loved him still, always would, but that he was not for me. Saying goodbye to him a second time almost did me in. I have craved for many things in my life, such as a mother's love, or a job, or gaining Gemma's respect, but nothing compared to how much I wanted him to sweep me off my feet, take me to bed, and just give me the life he had promised. Yet, I kissed his lips a last time, wiped a tear from his face, and sent him on his way."

"Are there tissues near your bed? You're making me weepy…"

"Sorry.. Thing as I said, hospitals were afraid of hiring an Old Lady. It didn't matter that I was not that, that we had parted yet again. They just didn't want liabilities and I never got a job. The only solution for me would have be to turn to taking care of patients at home, mostly elderly, except…"

"They would not hire Old Ladies?" Venus finished for her.

"Bingo. It was tough, yet eyes opening. I had come back to Charming for Jax, and I think I realized then that even though that even though we had parted ways, I would always be his Old Lady even though I never was."

"What did you do?"

"Odd jobs. I was a cashier, a teller at the local cinema… An usher too. I worked in neighboring towns, but my reputation preceded me. A couple of years ago, I took online courses to be a web developer, which has allowed me to make end meets. I make websites for people all around the world. That's' the great thing about the internet, it says nowhere "former property of Jax Teller". It's tough though. Studying so much for failing…"

"You did not fail."

"I tried to leave, except I couldn't. No, Jax did not make me stay, I would have killed him. His mother however… She wanted to keep me where she could see me. Keep your friends close and enemies closer. She made sure any arrangements I made for viewings of places in Cali just would get cancelled, and she did a great job at making sure no hospital would hire me. I sometimes wonder if she sent hospitals everywhere in the US my criminal records as a juvenile…"

"What did you do?"

"I managed to checkmate her. I offered my services at the local planned parenthood. It helps pay the check, and I keep a small link with what I wanted to do. It's always super awkward though when one of the croweaters or a porn actress comes in…"

"Hum?"

"The Sons bought the porn business in town, as a way to get out of other illegal activities. They also brought the strip club, and ever venture sex related…"

"I hope they won't be a pain in my ass if I decide to set up shop in town."

The younger woman found herself laughing at the idea. She could just see Half-Sack or Juice try to get the upper hand in a match with the woman.

"They won't unless you infringe on their business. You're… an escort, right? They have no share in that business, so you should be fine."

"Good to know. Now, the story?"

"There's not much to tell I guess… Jax had been active, he's had so many lovers, you'd think there's a prize at stake. I tried to date, but whenever a guy was ballsy to take me out, there would be the equivalent of a motorcade rolling down the Charming street we were in. I was with the deputy sheriff for a few months, six or so, but there was always this third person in our tango…. We broke up, and the next day, the Teller boy was smiling like the cat who ate the canary. I confronted Jax about it, and he played coy, until I said that I would go at the strip club."

"You would have?"

"The bills, from my father's cancer, you wouldn't believe the amount… I would have done it. Jax decreed that I was not allowed in the strip club or the porn studios, even for an executive or administrative position. He offered me to start working at the shop, alongside his mother, and I slapped him."

"So you fucked."

"You're quite perceptive."

"In my line of work, it's needed…"

"Well, we fucked, but I left before he could try to spoon or anything. He's such a spooner, oh my God. I hate it. I hate thinking about him behind one of his cheap thrills."

"Cut his dick, and you won't have to worry anymore…"

"It would not solve my solvency problems… Back at this sad tale of mine… About three years ago, he was seeing a croweater, and they were to be married. I thought that the moment he said "I do", I'd be able to run away."

"I'm taking note of the fact that you speak of running away, and not just being free. Me thinks someone had strong feelings about all of this."

"The night he was supposed to marry Wendy, he showed up on my doorstep, and ask me if I could give him one good reason not go through with this thing."

"So you fucked…"

"You've spotted a pattern. We fucked. Nay, we made love. It was so intense… I hated being the other woman, and told Jax so, but he told me Wendy was the other woman. The lovemaking… You would have thought it was our honeymoon or something. But when morning came…"

"You said goodbye."

"At some point, we should have stopped saying goodbye and stuck to "see you in a couple of years". That's so pathetic. Three months ago, we followed our pattern, and had another encounter. This time, there were no excuses. I just barged in, saying that since he wouldn't let anyone scratch my back, I needed him to do the job others couldn't."

"You go girl!"

"Except I haven't had my period ever since. So I went to my obgyn. Instead of having to ponder whether or not to get an abortion, I discovered I have cancer. As my mom before me. Breast cancer."

She felt too dazed to be able to feel the despair, but her cheeks were wet and she could not help it.

"I remember watching my mother die in agony. I was so young, but I barely have a good memory of her because of this poison. So when the doc said what he said… I just… I can't. I can't do this alone. For Pete's sake, I'm so fucked…." Tara found herself whimpering.

"Sh… She… You only had one doctor's opinion. There's a bunch of those. We'll get a second opinion. And if the first one was right, you're not alone, babe, ok?"

"I will never ask anyone to put their life on hold for me. God, I wish that truck had ended my misery…"

"Yet, when they sedated you, you told me you didn't want to die…"

"I'm a hot mess, what can I say?"

"Funny you should say that, I'm a hot mess too. That's a story for another time. But babe, whatever happens, even if you decide to throw yourself under a bus when you get out, which I would be quite crossed about, please, accept my support. It's willingly given, and I want nothing more than to help you see there's a way out. There was one for me. We need to find yours."

"A semi felt like exactly that."

"For Christ's Sake, will I need to gag you?

"Excuse me ladies," a nurse said, coming in, holding a bouquet. "This is for Mrs Teller."

Tara rolled her eyes and Venus chuckled.

"I believe you meant Miss Knowles. We'll take those flowers, thank you."

The nurse ran away, apparently scared to death she had done something that would get her in trouble with Sons of anarchy, when Tara grabbed the card, quite honestly dreading to read the note.

"Who's it from?"

"Cherry," Tara, said with a smile. "She just put a bunch of smileys, and a note "your secret isn't ours to tell". I'm guessing Half-Sack couldn't keep his mouth shut".

"Where is that savvy stapler when you need it?"

Tara wiped her nose as she contemplated the flowers.

"So, who' s Cherry, princess?"

And then Tara proceeded to introduce Venus to the Sons of Anarchy, the sweetbutts, the croweaters, and all the things you would believe came out of a bad pornographic novel.

_Please drop a word if you feel so inclined, to let me know you're there!_


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: A little bit more for you guys. Thank you for your kind words. I know where I'm going, I just have some slight blindspots about where that road will lead me, but do trust that I will do my best to give our beloved pairing a story they deserve. Also, someone asked. If Jax is 30, as you'll see, then Tara is 28. _

As the storm of bikes entered the garage lot, Jax couldn't help but think that it was good to be home. This mission, run, whatever, he had been one to Seattle, in order to attend a Sons wedding in addition to doing some business had been long or it felt.

He got of his motorbike and removed his helmet, feeling filthy as hell. Sure, they had stopped here and there, but he was in need of a serious shower.

"Hey Jax," He heard and turned to see who was addressing him before his mother even had the time.

He saw Gemma kissing Clay, looking slightly peeved her son's attention was already required.

It was Ima. Ima "sure thing", as she called herself, and she wasn't lying. Jax was all for women feeling empowered in their sexuality and all that, but she just wasn't what he wanted. Sure, he would be lying if he pretended he didn't look forward to getting his dick wet, but she was not on his to-do list, pun intended.

A long time ago, if three months qualified as such, he had found a manifesto written by his father, and while he was having trouble processing all that his late father had tried to convey on paper, he had been adamant about needing a front for serious cash flow, such as a s trip club. Jax had figured that a porn studio could do the trick. It got the added bonus of leaving Otto and Luann to run away toward the sunset or whatever those crazy fuckers were doing.

One of the things his father had put down in his rambling manifesto was that you should not mix business and pleasure, and that was one thing Jax agreed on. He would not fuck any of the girls from the pornucopia, no matter who was offering, as it would have made shit complicated. To had matter to his case, he was technically their boss. Screwing one would be opening himself to a lawsuit, and that would mean enquiry into the club and…

"I said hello Jax," Ima repeated, looking quite frankly annoyed.

"Hello Ima."

"Wow, you stink," She said, patting him playfully on the arm.

"Sure do."

"I could wash your back…"

"Lovely offer, but I'll have to decline. Furthermore, I think I'm in a mood for a bath…" He found himself saying.

He did not have a bathtub. But Tara did. Talk about Freudian slip.

"More room, I love the idea."

"I need to go see my mother before she writes me off her will," Jax said, feeling like a child as he ran to his momma to protect him from the forward woman.

He made his way to Gemma, who kissed his cheek and said:

"You know, Ima is actually a better fit than Wendy could ever be, come to think of it…"

"Ma!"

"I'm just saying… I know you have this bullshit policy about not dipping your pen in the studio's ink, but there's more to her than just her porn persona. She sticks to the club's rules, she is no junkie…. Plus those tits…"

"Well, hello to you too, Ma. Yes, it was a good trip. No, we didn't run in any trouble. Business should be booming, thanks for asking. And you're quite right, it's left me feeling very tired," he said.

The older woman laughed, and kissed his cheek.

"I'm just saying…"

"Well don't, ok? I need to talk to Opie."

With this, he went into the clubhouse and found his best friend. They made some quick chit-chat. Opie hadn't tagged along, as Donna was too close to giving birth and he had already missed too many of his children being born.

"She's still preggers, as big as a small house, with the temper of a rottweiler. Though, to be fair,"' Opie added, " a very horny rottweiler. Bless those pregnancy hormones."

"You're glowing man, I think your vagina is showing," Jax joked around.

"Don't be such an asshole. We had a visit like three days ago. I was parking the car so I have to rely on my Old Lady's word, but she was pretty sure she had spotted Tara going to another obgyn in the same practice. If I remember correctly, you were beaming some months ago… Me thinks fate may have a surprise in store for you."

"You don't say," Jax answered, letting the thought sink in.

He remembered Tara coming to him two months and three weeks ago. God, he was so whipped… But yeah, he remembered. They had used condoms, but those things were like 97% effective if that Friends episode was to be believed. Right now, he felt very inclined to believe it.

Maybe this was what they had been waiting for all this time?

He exchanged a few words with Opie, then went to his bedroom. He had his girl on his mind.

Their story… It was so messed up. He was to blame, for having been a stupid asshole who had believed the other men from the club who kept fucking anything willing outside their own charter as long as it did not get back to their Old Lady. He would be lying if he said he had forced himself to screw around. Time did grant you one thing, the ability to spot what went wrong, even though it did not give you the clues to fixing it. When he had gone to Tara to beg her to come back to Charming, and she had done so, she had been so busy. It was a jerk move, but he had felt isolated, almost shunned out. Now, at the age of thirty, he knew what he had been: immature.

He had known in his bones he was completely whipped, and had thought that banging a couple of other chicks in other charters would help him get back his masculinity or some bullshit like that. Going to her in San Diego had been a huge step for him, having to push back his pride and actually beg. He had not seen back then that there was no shame in loving someone. All he had been able to focus on was the fact that he had been the pussy in their relationship. He had needed to assert his dominance.

"Fuck it," he said out loud, running his hand through his hair, and thinking again about hos much he needed to deal with the filth…

Except, that was not what he had in mind.

"If you're gonna get wet, might as well go swimming," he heard himself said, before he freed himself from his pants and grabbed his half-erect cock in hand.

He laid back in the bed and started working his shaft just the way she would. He was replaying their last encounter, when she came to him and ranted about not being able to get gratification because of him. He had pushed her back against the desk on his left, and he had gotten rid of her pants and panties, in order to eat her out. She had grabbed onto his head, pushing him closer, and he had slipped his hands below her ass to keep her in place and get a better angle.

Oh yeah, he was hard now, not getting there. He pictured the way she would look at him from under her eyelashes, as she played with her breasts. He could picture the triquetra on her wrist as she grabbed his face to get him to stand up and kiss her. He had kissed the small tattoo. He had done so many things to her other tat too, as if checking it was still where it belonged. He could almost feel her skin under his touch as he pretended to write his name on her heart, a tattoo that would never be.

So many memories… He came hard and fast, almost ready for another round. He grabbed a t-shirt lying around to clean himself up from the mess he had made.

Tara. Fucking Tara Knowles. Or was it Tara Fucking Knowles?

She had come to the compound the last time they were together, and it had both surprised him and delighted him: maybe she was coming around to his lifestyle.

Then again, she had tried and had gotten burnt because of his stupid immature dickishness.

He thought back about that time when she had come to him because he had managed to break up the one guy who had managed to make some room for himself in her bed. She had threatened him with becoming a stripper, saying that she would make good money and at the same time, she would be offering everyone a show of what he was not getting.

He had hated that idea, and acted, but looking back, they should have talked.

He knew his mother had all but locked her in the town, not trusting the woman after he had gone to claim her back, and that had been another dickish move on his part. Except it felt nice to see her, even if she was just checking him in as he bought condoms.

But if she was pregnant… Man, he would only get one shot at this. He would need to talk to her and make her listen. Find a way to prove he would never ever be with anyone but her. He would need to find the magic words to regain her trust.

He was sort of surprised by how much he looked forward to that. And then, pregnancy hormones as Opie had mentioned…

And he was hard as rock again. He searched with one hand under his bed, hoping what he had hidden there had not disappeared. There it was, her t-shirt. As he was about to bring it to his nose, his hand going to his cock, the door of his bedroom all but burst open, and Ima was in his space.

"Need help with that?" She said, with a surly look meant to entice him, as she looked at his dick.

He covered himself with the t-shirt he had been holding and felt his erection deflate slightly.

"I'm doing alright on my own."

"I can help. Baby, you don't know all I can do…"

She was already dropping to her knees, coming toward him, and he couldn't believe her nerves. He grabbed her by the throat, except she seemed to find that sexy. He said in a harsh voice:

"Don't ever barge in on me again. This is not happening. I'm your boss. I can handly myself. Now go!"

Ima crawled back slightly, as if she was having trouble computing what was happening. She looked at the clothe on his lap and her stare hardened.

He knew it was a San Diego university t-shirt, and she seemed to know what it meant.

"Still running after that corpse? Move along, homeboy, and take me instead. I'm not dying any day soon."

"What the fuck are you saying?" He barked.

"Oh, didn't your mom tell you? Your ex has cancer. She's a goner. How about you let me take care of you and…"

"WHAT?"

SOASOASOASOASOASOASOASOA

She felt terribly alone. Venus had held her hand while the psychiatric intern had come to check on her, and then had sent the obgyn surgeon. She had cancer. Sure, they needed to have an X-ray to conform it, but given her family history, and the symptoms she had described, the doctor had reluctantly admitted that her previous doctor was almost certainly right. He had wanted to discuss options, telling her about chemo and radiotherapy, local intervention, more general intervention etc, but she was not ready.

Her suicide option was becoming less an option, as she found herself caring for Venus, and hated the idea of disappointing her by jumping under another semi. She had more people she thought about, and some she tried not to think about at all. Except, she had no insurance, and she was still repaying so many loans, student ones as well as hospital bills. Her ordeal would only mean she would dive deeper into all this shit…

"Oh my God Tara!"

"Who the fuck is here?" She heard Venus exclaim from her bed as she was being roughly awakened.

"Tara!" Hale said again, as he rushed by her side. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Who the fuck are you?" The tall brunette asked, having gotten up, and looking like she was willing to kick his ass right there on the spot.

"It's okay, Vee, it's David… David Hale, you know, the guy I dated?"

"Hello M'am, I'm Deputy Chief David Hale," the policeman said, tilting his hat toward the woman. "Why do I get the feeling you're in the sex business?"

"I'm an escort, asshole."

Hale sighed, and looked at Tara saying:

"I know I said it before, but I have heard of towns where you introduce yourself and people answer with stuff like 'I'm an accountant, I'm a bank teller' or whatever…"

"I'm sorry, Deputy Chief. My name is Venus Van Dam. I'm an accountant," the tall woman said.

"Thanks for that."

"My pleasure."

"But Tara, how come you didn't contact me?"

"The only reason they contacted you is because you're my emergency contact because we were dating when I updated my details," the woman who felt like a girl said. "It's none of your business."

"Tara, you know I still love you…."

Her hand went to her eyes and she wanted to cry.

"You shouldn't, okay? We were good together, but you know why we broke up. It's still true."

"Darling, in all the months we've been apart, I realized something. When it comes to you, I wouldn't mind being your second choice."

"You should never settle for this, okay? You deserve better."

"Jesus, you were not kidding when you described yourself as a princess. How many suitors should we expect?" Venus asked.

"Who are you?" Hale asked.

"Do you suffer from memory loss?"

"No, I mean, you're not from Charming, who are you, and why are you next to Tara, looking like you will kill anyone who comes too close?"

"Your Tara is my Ophelia, or my Nephtys. I know you don't get it, but get used to seeing me around. I'm looking out for my girl."

Tara was glad for Venus, who had completely sidetracked the reason why her former lover was there.

"David, I'm tired, could you come back at another time? I'm sorry, but I really need to rest," she said.

"She does need to rest, I can see her almost dropping on the spot," Venus said.

Hale was not fooled, but had been raised a gentleman, and decided to give the woman he claimed to still love some space.

"Call me if you need anything."

"I will."

He gave her a quick kiss on her hand, then left.

SOASOASOASOASOA

When the deputy chief got out of the hospital, he had to sit, to take it all in. That was when he spotted a bike and a rider he knew to well. So much for having a chance at being her second best, he thought… Still, he would be there for her.

_A/N: Thoughts? Please R&R!_


	6. Chapter 6

As he finally passed the entry to the hospital, Jax was just nerves and anxiety. He had tried coming to see Tara the night before but had felt unable to go through with the simple task of jumping off his bike. Furthermore, upon spotting the deputy chief's car, he had figured that three would be a crowd and he just was not sure he had enough self control to be around Hale while this was happening, whatever this was.

He had not gone back to the compound, unable to see his fellow brothers, not to mention, his mother.

After tossing Ima out of his bedroom, he had gone out to try and get confirmation. As it turned out, it was a random croweater who had overheard Half-Sack and Cherry, and she had dutifully reported her info to the HBIC, aka his mother.

He would always be guilty, he realized as he heard her mention this business matter-of-factly, for everything she had done on his behalf, for his benefit. Gemma had been around when Tara's mother, Moira, had died of cancer, and the way she had described her actions still made him sick to his stomach.

_The night earlier_

"What the fuck is this I'm hearing?" He barked, entering his mother's office.

He had managed to put on a new shirt but was still tired to the bone and stinky as hell, but this was not relevant at this moment.

"Are you hearing bells?" Gemma asked, pretending not to notice how unhinged he felt and probably looked. "Wedding bells? Did you change your mind about Ima? I told you there was more to her than her…."

"I don't give a shit about the bitch. She could be a runner up for a Peace Nobel Prize and I still wouldn't be interested," he spat out.

"What's the matter with you? Ima is a perfectly nice woman who would make any man proud…"

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"I have no idea what you mean…."

"Don't you dare play that dirty game, Gemma," he said, using her first name to shock her into being the kind woman he had known all his life.

She let out a heavy, pretend sigh, and said:

"Don't tell me this is about that stupid cunt you've been fucking on and off…"

He had hit women in the past, something he was not proud of, but that had to be done to protect his family. Yet at this precise moment, there was only one woman he was feeling a strong urge to manhandle, and it was the one person he thought he would love all his life.

"Don't you dare talk about Tara that way!"

"She was your first love, I know, yaddy yadda, move along, homeboy…"

Hearing those words in her mouth triggered a memory of a similar scene.

"You're the one who told Ima about Tara… Don't deny it, she used your words to try and get me to forget my girl…."

"She's not your girl, she hasn't been in a very long time. It's puppy love, get over it."

"She's got cancer?" He asked.

"Apparently so. Tried to throw herself under a truck or something. Pity she missed…" Gemma said, as if she had only complained about the weather not being sunny enough.

Thank whoever was up there for the chair that was right behind him as his legs gave out.

"Jax, you're okay baby?" his mother asked, as If she couldn't understand what was wrong.

His heart was pounding, he felt like it should jump out of his chest any second soon to throw itself under a bus too. He felt the older woman try to grab his hand, but he pushed her back.

"Don't you dare… How can you…"

"How can I look out for my son? Is that where you're going with this?" she said, finally showing her true colors alongside her temper.

"It's Tara…" He moaned.

"She's dying. Half-Sack heard her say it, never mind the circumstances. I knew you would feel… I don't know, obliged or something, toward the girl, but there's no hope. Her mother, Moira, she died of cancer. It was long, and painful. I doubt Tara remembers that I went to see her mom at the hospital or at their home when she decided she wanted to die in her bed. Tara's father took a loan from the Sons to pay for the hospital fees, but that's not what we're discussing. I had met Moira, when she was pregnant with your infatuation, as I was expecting your brother. She showed me kindness when he passed, and I wanted to return the favor."

"I'm not infatuated…"

"I went to see her. It was agony, pun unintended. When she left the hospital, she was still herself in many ways, but once she was done fighting, she was done for. It took some time, and I kept on visiting, because I couldn't bring myself to abandon her, but I don't think she knew I was there by the end. She was not Moira anymore. She was a lying corpse, unable to walk, unable to recognize her own flesh and blood. Her husband was by her side, and Tara was trying to help her, but there was no one home. Moira was gone," Gemma said again, stressing those last three words.

"Knowing how her mother suffered, how can you be so heartless with …?"

"I'm not heartless. I'm pragmatic. Soon, we'll be rid of this chit you found necessary to bring back in Charming when she had left, and you'll be able to really put her behind, move on. Ima is a good woman, and she will turn a blind eye to your indiscretions, the way a true Old Lady should, unlike your puppy love…."

Jax bolted from his seat.

"I need to see her."

"You're not listening…"

"Go fuck yourself."

"I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me. You're pimping this woman on me, no matter how many times I said I didn't want her, Tara or not. You're telling me the perfect beauty I wanted to marry since I spotted her at her mother's funeral when she was nine is a goner. I fell in love with her when I was 16. You may call it puppy love, but there's no getting over her. If Tara dies, I die. So yeah, go fuck yourself. If push comes to shove, I'll remove you from my life. You don't get to decide who I marry and fuck."

"You're good at fucking, or so the croweaters say. Shit at being faithful, much like your father too."

"Don't bring my father into this."

"Whatever. You crossed a line. You don't get to do this to me. I love you. I would do anything for you. I'm only thinking about you"

"You'd smother Tara with a pillow if you had your way. You're toxic, you destroy anything you touch…"

"You were quite glad I made sure that cunt got nowhere for so long. How is that for toxic?"

"I never said I was innocent. But it stops now. You don't get to arrange things your way, Gemma."

"Whatever you say, J.T." She replied, watching leave, cold as an iceberg, her eyes full of hatred.

_Back to the present_

He had left and not looked back. He had slept at the house he had bought but never used. He had showered, and gone to bad, watching TV most of the night, unable to sleep for the longest time. His mind was full of what was happening, both as it came to Tara and his mother.

It wasn't until he had replayed the scene time and time again in his head that he had realized that his mother had not called him Jax. It's hadn't been a way to chastise him. He couldn't help but think that perhaps she had let something slip there, and it sent a chill down his spine. He did not want to think about that.

He dallied by the gift shop for a moment, completely aware that he was stalling, yet unable to do anything about it. Every item for sale seemed inadequate, not conveying in anyway what he wanted to say. He was not sure to be truthful what he wanted to tell her, but he knew that all those gifts were not part of whatever he would say if she'd let him.

He finally moved toward the reception, and he didn't have the time to ask the attendant where he could find the lady he was looking for, as the woman volunteered the information.

This made uneasy once more, as he was sure Hale had had to ask the day before. It made him feel like everybody was assuming Tara was his, and it made his stomach hurt. If he were to be hurt, would they assume that she was to be directed straight to his room or given information, as he would be considered hers? He doubted that possibility and felt that it was terribly unfair.

He made his way up to the floor where Tara's room was located, and knocked on the door, his hands sweaty. He was wearing a sweater, having looked at his club jacket when dressing for the day, and finding the picture of the Reaper disturbing. Sure, it was tattooed on his back, but he would not be visiting without a shirt.

There was no answer, and he rasped his knuckles against the door once more.

"Tara?" He asked, half whispering as he pushed to enter.

There was an empty bed, but there was also another woman, walking around the room, seeming to tidy everything up. She was taller than he was, and he spotted a few clues that told him more than he needed to know.

"Who the fuck are you?" The woman asked, jumping as she spotted him.

"Jackson Teller. I was hoping to catch Tara Knowles, I must have gotten the wrong room…" he said, as he started retreating.

"You've come to the right place. She's in for some exams, she'll be back later."

"Do you want me to wait outside?" he asked.

"Do you want to wait outside?" she echoed, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't know if I would have been welcome in if Tara had been there," he admitted, feeling like a teenager.

"You can wait inside, and the princess will decide."

"Ok."

He went to sit next to the empty bed, fidgeting, trying to think of what he would say. Shit, he should have done some research, he had been up almost all night anyway… But what if she did not want to see him.

"Jackson?" The woman asked him.

"Yes?" He answered, lifting his gaze to meet her eyes.

"As in Jax?"

"That's what people call me. Do you know Tara well?"

"I am getting there, or at least that's what I'm hoping. Do you mind if I arrange her side of the room?"

He gestured for her to go ahead, somewhat in awe at the way she was putting stuff in place like she would in a house. She was trying to make it so that Tara would feel home, and for that he wanted to thank her, no matter the outcome.

"What is your name?"

"Venus Van Dam. Newcomer to Charming," she answered.

She was in a hospital gown, but her nails were made, and she had worked on her curls. Her make up was a work of art. She almost made the bandage around her torso look fashionable.

"Have you come for Tara?"

She chuckled lightly, then asked:

"Have you come for Tara?"

He was not used to people dodging his questions and turning the tables on him.

"What if I have?"

"I just want to know."

"Why should you know?"

"Why shouldn't I know?"

"Do you ever give a straight answer?"

"I fond those quite boring, most of the time."

He had a feeling she wanted to grill him or something, but she was holding back. He knew he was not scaring her, that, she made perfectly clear. Yet, something was keeping her from saying what she wanted.

"You can talk to me, Miss Van Dam, I won't bite."

"Tara was right, you're quite dreamy."

He would have bet this was a backhanded compliment.

"What else did she say?"

"That nightmares technically qualified as dreams."

Ouch. She was not holding back her punches. Then again…. If she dared speak to him this way, instead of treating him like local royalty, maybe she would say what others wouldn't…

"Is it true Tara's got cancer?" He asked, unable to contain himself.

"Let's see, her mother died of such a terrible disease, when she was but a girl. A few years back, it was her father's turn to be overcome by the same infliction which deprived his family of their matriarch… What do you think of that?"

"I think you're not answering."

"I'm not. Because you know."

He felt his heart drop like a stone in the pit of his stomach. Oh God. Tara was ill. She was only twenty-eight, how could such a thing happen? Was there anything such as a God? For it seemed only a cruel deity would inflict this on his… What was she to him? For fuck's sake, he was such a mess.

He never should have done anything of what he had done, when he was younger. It wouldn't have changed the outcome, or perhaps it would have. If he had married Tara, they would have had children, or had pregnancy scares, and those would have been as many opportunities to discover if something was wrong….

A thought all but hit him, and he felt like thunder had stricken him.

"Oh Fuck. Please tell me I did not give her cancer when I gave her syphilis…"

He couldn't bear the thought. What if he had triggered something? He had heard about woman having some cancers due to STDs.

"Thanks for reminding me about that," Venus said.

Next thing he know, she had balled her hand, and threw a punch in his face.

He never thought of striking back, for it felt like a long time coming.

"I don't give two shits about how old you were, but when someone loves you, gives you their hearts, fucking has a triquetra tattooed for you on their body, you don't go around fucking other people. You leave them before cuckqueaning them. Only a jackass of epic proportion would do what you did, to anyone, but to think you did that to my poor Ophelia…"

He didn't answer, too ashamed. He had been a dick, a worthless piece of shit. Fuck, he needed to get out of there, he was the last thing Tara needed right now.

He went to get up when Venus took a seat opposing to him, cradling her bloody fist.

"Help me stop the bleeding, I've got an ice pocket I can use to reduce the swelling."

Feeling he was out of his bod and watching the scene unfold, he helped the woman take care of the nail she had broken and that had bitten into her finger. Soon enough, they managed to apply enough pressure, and she grabbed the ice pack she had lying around, and put it on her hand.

"How come you have all of this?" he asked.

Venus seemed to think about how to answer him, then looked as if she had decided to sort of give him a chance instead of playing mind tricks.

"As I'm sure you've been made aware, our beloved Irish princess tried to jump under a semi. I hate saying this, as it sounds like I'm tutting my own horn, but I saved her, against her will one could say."

"You did?" He asked.

"I don't know how to explain it, but I jumped and managed to drag her with me away from the truck. In doing so, I injured one of my marvelous tits. They operated yesterday and gave an ice pack to help with the swelling."

"You saved her," he repeated.

"What if I did?" she asked, looking ready to punch him again if he made any unobliging comment.

"Thank you," he whispered, taking her other hand in his. "Thank you,", he repeated, kissing it over and over again.

He had no memory of moving but soon he was on his knees in front of the goddess who had rescued his love when she had given up on life.

Venus put her hand on his cheek, and wiped away a tear he hadn't been aware he was crying.

"You need to think hard about what comes next, okay? I don't want someone buzzing around my shamrock only to have them fuck people left and right, pretending to be there, but not being so."

"My mother… She told me of Tara's mother and how she suffered…"

"Your mother, or the black widow, as I like to call her."

He sort of chuckled, wondering how perfectly the name was fitting. He still remembered Gemma calling him J.T.

"Right now, my Ophelia…"

"Why do you call her this way?"

"Check the paintings, of Ophelia drowning after Hamlet fucked his whole life and that of everyone around him. The look on her face, that was the same expression Tara sported when I rescued her."

What to say, what to say? He wanted to say he would look it up, he would read the tragedy, but he was not sure it would be helping.

"As I was saying, Tara is going through exams, to get images of what two doctors have diagnosed. Treatment will be discussed then. The question is, will you be there? I know I will, but I won't let anyone who is not serious about this pollute our air."

He realized that he was not questioning Venus' declarations of intent, as if she was the one in charge. He did not know if Tara would want him, but it made him feel better to know there would be someone she could count on.

"I love her, you know?"

"I don't know anything."

"You know a lot."

"I know you let your mother keep her prisoner here, forced to watch you stick your dick in every hole willing, and never said anything…"

"I am a dirtbag. I know that now. I hope that I can redeem myself, if she'll let me… My mother won't be able to touch her anymore, even if I have to kill her."

"Feeling matricidal?"

"Absolutely."

"Good," Venus said.

"I've loved her my entire life. Last night, when I came back from wherever, and Opie told me he had spotted Tara at the obgyn his wife was going to see for her pregnancy, I found myself daring to hope I guess, that maybe Tara was pregnant, since we had been intimate not too long ago. I was daydreaming about how to win her back, so that she would allow me to love her the way she deserves to be worshipped, thinking that maybe this baby would be what finally sealed our dilly-dallying if you will, though I'm not calling my being a dick just a trifle. And then, to be told that Tara was …. That she had…"

"Fate is a bitch."

"I'm surprised you're not saying I reaped the karma I sawed," Jax said.

"If I say something like that, I imply Tara got what was waiting for her, and that's not true."

The woman seemed to wince in pain as he brushed slightly against her breast while going back to his chair.

"You okay?"

"The doc said, I need to have the implant put back in as soon as possible. My transformation, the hormones and all that are not working in my favor on this front."

"Can't they operate now?"

"They received the new implant today but…"

The tall woman bit her lower lip and looked extremely vulnerable for someone who was so imposing and regal.

"Yesterday, Tara mentioned something, about wanting to die. I know it was the misery talking, and she'll overcome it, come hell or high water, but…."

She looked so torn, and afraid. He wondered, and as he understood her meaning, he heard Tara say as she was being wheeled back in the room:

"I would never ever take advantage of the fact that you're knocked out by drugs to deal with my misery. God, Vee, how can you think that? I love you, babe, and I don't even know why. I would not do you dirty this way. If we come to that bridge, where I have to decide whether to continue or end my suffering, you'll be involved in the decision making."

Venus put a hand to her mouth, as she sniffed, and tears were on her eyelashes.

"Promise?"

"Of course. You're the only one I have, and I have a felling, I may be the only one you have too. In your case, fate did you dirty by sticking you with me, but Venus, I need you okay?"

"Okay."

Neither women seemed to be taking any notice of his being there, and he watched the way the interacted, and how natural it felt. If he had his way, Tara would be surrounded by Venus of course, but also people who genuinely cared for her. The club had gotten in the way and she had been forced to kiss too many friendships goodbye when she had yelled at him and tabbed him repeatingly with her syringe before giving him his shot. Yet, there were people, such as Cherry, who had squeezed his hand before he head left the compound, saying to call if they needed anything.

Fuck, he had done so many things wrong, whether willingly or by turning a blind eye. No more. No more, he repeated.

"Jax?" Tara asked, suddenly spotting him.

She wiped away the tears she was shedding and attempted to put herself together, but to him, she was perfect.

There was this need in him, to take of her. It felt so primal. Male protect female, and all that shit. He wanted to take her in his arms, and never let anyone ever harm her again. He wanted to kiss the floor she walked in.

He was not ready to say goodbye, and never would be, no matter how many times they had tried in the past.

So, as the jackass he was, he blurted out:

"Marry me."

"What?"

"Oh no you didn't," Venus said.

He saw her get her wounded hand from below the ice pack, and saw the blow coming but couldn't dodge it.

"Venus!" Tara exclaimed as he was starting to faint.

She was calling for help, he saw just before closing his eyes.

"I'm sorry, bad temper, I know," Venus was saying. "I just…"

And then he blacked out.

_A/N: Sorry, I guess Venus had to let Vincent out at the end. I hope the chapter will have met expectations. I'm not a big fan of violence, but I think we all agree that Jax should have been kicked instead of kissed at certain times... Anyway, this was a very difficult chapter to write fror me, do please, let me know what you thought! Reviews are love!_


	7. Chapter 7

_Part of me wants to apologize for the delay, but then again, I think you can all understand. Between the research on the fic, real life etc... However, I'm glad that I can deliver a version of this chapter that I'm happy with, and I hope it will have made the delay worth it._

He dreamt, or hallucinated, or whatever.

He was twenty-one again. He was missing Tara like one of his limbs had been cut out, and he did not know what to do. The croweater who had sucked his dick the night before had not been able to get his mind off his girl. Was she still his though? When they had parted, she had insisted on kissing him goodbye, meaning it. She would not try the long-distance relationship with him. He had thought she was being harsh, dismissing the fact that she could have trusted him, but then again, they had been having problems lately, as she had started throwing fits or enquiring pointedly when she thought he had been with someone else. He didn't understand her. She knew he was a Son. She knew the rules. When she had gotten his crow on her back, she should have known that she was agreeing to uphold the usual rules of the MC.

Blaming her on refusing to play by the book, he found himself nonetheless going to San Diego to try and convince her to… He wasn't even sure. However, when he had arrived, and had spotted his brunette across campus, she was talking to a man, laughing along with him. She did not seem to be missing him one bit, and he almost turned around. However, there was a rumbling in his chest. She was his. His. He put his pride in his pocket and went to her, making sure to bump into her male friend, letting him know whose territory he was infringing upon.

Instead of asking for a chance to have a long-distance relationship, he begged her to come back with him to Charming. There had been a little voice in the back in his head saying that he was being a dick, depriving her of her dream, but he couldn't help himself.

When he drove them back to Charming, he felt triumphant, and shitty. Who was he?

Then, he was twenty-two or so. He saw himself fucking a blonde from a Nevada charter. He was growing soft, having pushed the girl on all four so that he would not have to look at her face while taking his pleasure. His thoughts went to Tara, waiting for him at home. When they had arrived in the charter and he had gone to phone her to let her know he had arrived in one piece, all the other guys had taken turn to call him pussy whipped and dragging the blonde for a fuck had been the only way to tell them to get off his dick. It was not the first time he was having some on the side, maybe the third time, but he found it… painful.

"You stopped," the chit said, "do you want to…."

He started pumping his hips again as hard as possible, even though he was not as hard as he should be, just so that she would shut her mouth and look away from him. He closed his eyes, trying to get back to that headspace, where he could have a hard on and come. He wished he could pretend it was out of nowhere, but it would have been a lie: he pictured Tara, in the same position, except that if it had been her, he would have draped himself over her back, in order to burry his head in her hair, and kiss her shoulder as he pounded. He would take pride in the way her finder would grip the sheets.

He was rock hard again. He kept his eyes closed and picture a brunette instead of the dirty blonde beneath him. When he came, he moaned something, he did not know what.

"Did you just call me Tara? My name is Cathy," the girl was moaning.

He pretended to fall asleep as she finished herself off. He wished he was wired like the other MC men. He vowed he would be one day and felt like he wanted to throw himself under a bus for thinking this was an objective, a purpose to achieve in life.

Time jumped, and it was just a few months forward. He had a red spot on his dick, and several itchy patches on his stomach. Tara was supposed to come over later on, and he would ask her to take a look at all of this. He was looking forward to seeing her. It had been almost ten days since they had last encountered. She had been busy with nursing school, but lately, she had seemed to be pulling away from him….

She barged in his room where he was checking his blights, and he could tell he had fucked up, big time. When he had tried to appease her with a kiss, she had punched him in the dick, several times. He knew his girl, and was not surprised by the violence she could express as he rolled around on the ground.

She was yelling. He could barely hear, because of the pain, but some words were clearer such as "syphilis", "fucking asshole", "over, so over, forever over". He let her have her pound of flesh and watched in despair as she sat on the bed and cried, the same way she had when she had had to watch her mother's coffin be lowered into the ground. He had fucked up. He was a lawless piece of shit. Yet, he could not change who he was. A tiger could not change his stripes.

She cried and she cried, she yelled some more. She got a syringe out of her bag, and made sure to miss her target several times, before finally injecting him with whatever she knew was needed. She got up, not hearing to a word he said, both apologizing for being a dick, yet also blaming her by saying she knew what she had signed up for. She rose and told him to try and get in touch with all the chicks he had banged, as if there had been millions. He understood that to her, one was too many, but compared to his brothers in arms, he was still considered a pussy.

She left. Not just the room, she left him too. She didn't voice out how he had distracted her from becoming a doctor, but he could see it on her face, not in a blaming fashion, on the contrary. She was blaming herself for choosing him. So many feelings were on his mind, some blaming himself too, at other times, blaming her. He blamed everyone. In the end, he realized there was only one person he could really blame, and that was the guy with a wart on his dick, looking at him in the mirror.

Then… Then the memories stopped, as if too much.

SOASOASOAOSAOSAOSOA

Saying he was coming to would be a gross overstatement, but Jax could feel himself slowly emerge, emphasis on "slowly". Miss Van Dam, wherever she came from, and whatever her story was, could throw a punch that would knock someone into a grave.

He was barely aware of his surrounding, only noticed he was on Tara's bed, except she was not there.

As if coming from far away, he finally zoomed in on the voices in the room. He could have said something, if he had had any strength to do so, but his brain was still banging on the sides of his skull from the blow.

"What will I do when he wakes up?" He heard Tara.

For some reason, he was reminded of Romeo and Juliet, when the former ends spying on the latter on her balcony. Perhaps he should have felt bad for the fact that his cognitive functions were restarting, but he needed to know what she thought, before anything happened.

"How could he propose marriage?"

"I'm guessing his dear old mama aka the praying mantis used to rock him a little too close to the wall when he was an infant," Venus said.

Ouch. This new character really was not holding back punches, whether he was awake or not. He found himself deciding that he could make do with it, if it made Tara happy.

He opened an eye, and saw that she was pacing, biting her nails.

"Darling, let's forget about sleeping dick-beauty here. Tell me about your results."

He saw Tara crumble, deflating at once, and Venus just opened her arms toward the brunette. Without needing more incentive, Tara rushed there, and just curled up on her new friend's lap, seeming so childlike.

Jax had to close his eyes to maintain his charade, but the sight of Tara so vulnerable, looking for comfort she so obviously needed was burnt onto his retinas and made his heart bleed. He was so fucking guilty.

Tara started weeping softly, and it took all his will power to stay still. For once, he had no idea if she would let him stay in her presence a second longer.

"Shush, little one, Shush. You're safe. I will never let anyone hurt you", Venus said, crooning as if to a babe.

"What if you can't help it? Oh Vee, I saw it. They must have forgotten I'm a trained nurse, they left the computer on with the pictures of my X-ray on the screen as I was being wheeled back there. I saw the tumor. There's not even a shred left of "if" or "maybe", I saw it. You can't fight the disease… My mother couldn't… What if you think you can be there for me, then it becomes too much? It's there, Venus, it's there. Small but malignant. I want to die… I don't want to be a burden."

"You're not dying, I won't allow you too, even if I have to change my name to Hades to make you believe me," the woman said, while wrapping her arms around the brunette.

"You can't force me to stay alive…."

"But you said you'd allow me to be your sounding board before you did anything drastic."

"I'm so scared…."

"Rightfully so. But you're not alone, babe, okay, I'm there."

"I'm there too", Jax couldn't help but say, as he managed to get up from the bed.

"And there he goes, giving you good reasons for choosing the drastic exit…" Venus said.

Tara didn't seem to hear him, or give him any notice. He came slowly to the bed she was now sharing with her friend and said:

"Hate me, I can take it. Loathe me, despise me, wish me dead, I'll never pretend I don't deserve it. But Tara, I beg you, don't take what some call the easy way out. I remember your mother's funeral, I remember how crushed you were. I swore then that I would never make you cry again. I failed. I remember when you broke down and still managed to give me the healing shot before you left me behind."

"You only remember her funeral, you don't remember her agony," she whispered.

"Gemma told me about it. I can't pretend it gave me a clear picture, but I heard her words, about her last moments. If God wills it, this won't be your end. But as I said, I'm there. Even if you only need me to punch somebody, be your punching ball, or be the target of the words you would need to spew insults at anybody, in order to maintain your fighting spirit. I'm there. I'd much rather be there holding your hands, but I'll be there in whatever capacity you will have me…"

"I can't… I can't… It's…"

"We understand, my darling, you're feeling overwhelmed, you need time to decide if this scoundrel is to have any part in your life. My presence of course is not up for discussion," Venus said, regally.

This made Tara chuckle lightly.

"Let's take it one moment at a time."

"Miss Knowles?" A doctor said from the entry of the room.

Both Jax and Venus saw the woman they were trying to console stiffen, as if she did not trust the specialist.

"I would like to review your results and your options with you," the doctor said.

"Boy wonder, it's your cue to leave until Tara comes to an opinion as far as you're concerned," Venus said, and he resented her, yet understood.

"Don't…" His girl said, shocking him almost as much as she did her friend. "Doctor Wellington here is getting head at least three times a week from a croweater. Whatever he says, he won't be able to keep his mouth shut when she asks for details on behalf of your mother, so stay. It doesn't mean I want you there, or I don't, it just means you'll have the same info as anyone, and not whatever lies your mother choses to feed you."

Jax looked the doctor up and down, feeling bile in his throat, discovering his mother had spies everywhere.

"Hey, asshead," the biker told the MD. "What gets said here can't be repeated. If it is, I'll cut your dick and stuff it in your mouth. I'll get my most precious needle and thread and sew your mouth shut till your choke on your little appendix, got me?"

"Yes sir…"

"Ok, so now that we're all clear, get on with it," Venus said. "Oh, and by the way, I know how to sew, if Dreamboy needs help. And I'm a very messy seamstress. Do go on."

The doctor gulped several times, obviously terrified, before clearing his throat and saying:

"We found a small mass on your right breast. It is very small right now, less than a centimeter large and long. There are no more masses as of now. We recommend a mastectomy, to get rid of the tumor and make sure it doesn't come back."

Jax saw Tara sit up, and noticed that for once, she seemed to be struggling with what was being said.

"Deliver the rest of your bullshit news, and then I'll find someone else."

"I'm sorry?" The doctor asked.

"Your solution is stupid. I've got cancer in my gene. What if it grows back in the other breast? Will we cut it out too? Do you like inflicting pain on your patients? Or maybe it's just the hospital's policy? A mastectomy means reconstructive plastic surgery, which means more dough for the institution, and more debts for me. What about radiotherapy? What about chemo? What if it had spread? What if?"

"Well I beg your pardon but…."

"No, actually, let's remain there, you're asking her to pardon you, and you move the fuck away," Jax said, beating Venus to it. "Tara, who is a certified nurse, mind you, just pointed out that you're offering bad advice. So we'll take the piece about there being only one tumor now, even though it's terrible news, and we'll seek someone else's opinion on treatment. Remember what I said. I don't care who sucks your dick, you keep your mouth shut."

"But."

"Move. Move!" Jax exclaimed when he found the doctor was not obeying quickly enough.

The guy all but ran away.

"Do you trust you obgyn?" Venus asked the brunette.

"I guess, but she's no oncologist."

"We'll call her in the morning to get recommendation for good doctors. I'll call the doc who's been overseeing my transformation and get some more names. We'll find a good fit, build a team or an army or if we need too. We're beating this, babe, and then you get to live…."

"Except I won't have children…"

"You don't know that!"

"Yes I do! Even if I've got the smallest tumor ever, at least a round of chemo will be prescribed. They can protect my lower abdomen during radiotherapy, but the poison in my vein will kill my eggs. I'll be effectively barren. I will truly be Nephtys, the goddess of childless women. I'll be just healing, and waiting everyday for the resurgence of my disease. What sort of life is that?"

Neither said anything, for they did not have her medical background. A nurse came in, saying something about bringing Venus for a consult before her next surgery, planned for the next day.

"Jax, please walk with me to the doctor's office," Venus said, surprising all of them.

They got up, and the tall woman made sure that Tara was comfortable in her bed, telling her to get some sleep. He followed the woman in the hallway.

"Tomorrow, I'll be under. I trust Tara not to kill herself," Venus started saying with great authority. "However, as we've both witnessed, she's depressed, and in the wrong hands; I want you to kill the MD, or have it done. I also would like you to come back tomorrow and sit silently in a corner while I'm not there. It doesn't mean you're forgiven for blurting out such a stupid proposal, it just means that I'm aware that I can't be everywhere at once."

He could have said nasty things, called her name, called her a man and other things, but in her speech he heard what she did not say: she needed to be sure her friend was around someone while she was not around, otherwise she was not getting her surgery.

"Ill be there, and it'll be done."

"Good."

"I'm worried about this Nephtys talk," he said. "Do you think she's right, and won't have kids?"

"Would it matter to you, one way or another?"

"Of course not. I love her, even if I act like I'm seven around her right now."

"Ok. Then we'll get another doctor, see if Tara wants you to be included in her treatment, and get the best of the best to treat our girl. I …. I can't believe I'm about to say that, but Tara is pretty obsessed with how much her being ill will cost. Whatever she asks you, don't give in, ok? Don't let her go get fucked at that pornucoppia studio…"

"It's Cara Cara… And do you really think she would ask me to let her work there?"

Venus gave him a long hard stare, and once again he was hit by the intimate knowledge that there was more to her than meet the eye.

"My dear, when one is in trouble, considering suicide, then being denied the option, or choosing to move away from it, you'd consider anything, even things that would demean you, to get you somewhere where your… illness will not define you."

He said nothing, for it was not his place.

"Remember, though," the woman added, "Tara has not rendered her verdict yet on what access you get. So don't be overbearing, don't be a dick, and for Christ' sake, don't propose to her again, or with God as my witness, I'll marry her so quick you won't have time to realize a trans in high heels just stole the woman you proclaim to love."

"If marrying you made her happy, I would gladly be the flower boy at the ceremony."

Venus laughed, and patted his cheek.

"Good boy. Now, get lost. You need to clean your face, I did not hold back. I'll have a nurse call you to tell you at what time I'm supposed to be in surgery for you to be on vigilant duty. 'Cause it ain't Tara-sitting, it's Tara-caring."

"You can call it Tara-loving."

She patted his cheek once again, and surprising the hell out of him, she gave him a quick peck on the lips.

"Good boy. Now leave."

Later on, when he was alone at his place, this house he almost never inhabited, he was surprised to find a card stuck in his door, signed by Cherry. She was worried about him and Tara, but didn't want to intrude.

"Why do I feel like I may end up completely celibate, and alone, forsaken by my true love, but sill have won a younger sister in this debacle? Gods help us…" He said to himself as he came in.

For Tara, he'd do anything. As he cleaned his face, he was strangely cheerful someone had been there to protect her.

"Maybe Cherry should tag along tomorrow," he thought.

He gave himself the night to think about it happening or not. Tomorrow, as they said, was always another day.

_A/N: as always, please read and review. As this topic is close to my heart, i'm vulnerable as hell, and needy too..._


	8. Chapter 8

When he entered the compound, Jax felt like he had left it a thousand years earlier. Strange how things went, didn't they?

He parked his bike, and removed his helmet. He could feel his brothers' eyes on him, wondering where he was at, if he was joining them or if he was just… wherever. He knew they must have talked, and the news about Tara's condition seemed to be quite public. He pondered what his mother and Clay must have said.

He was not sure he cared, as far as it concerned him, but he was wary of what would have been said about Tara. Everybody knew her in the club, from when they were teenagers, and later on. He had never wondered before how they view her, but right at this instant, it felt very important: she didn't need anyone harboring dark thoughts toward her.

From afar, he could see his mother, and felt slightly taken aback by the fact that she didn't bring the usual loving feelings in him. A line had been crossed, on top of all the others that had been and he had not taken notice of until now.

He had matters he needed to attend. He had thought really hard about who would be the best person for the job, for killing that weasel doctor, and he needed to cash in a favor. Furthermore, he was expected at the hospital in less than an hour and he had to talk to someone else too…

"Tig, you got a second?" He asked, as he made his way to the entrance.

Juice, Piney, and others exchanged looks, and he wished he had been smoother.

"Sure," The man finally said.

Jax gestured for him to join him a little further away from the group, and when he was sure they were at least out of reach of his mother's ears, he said:

"I need a favor."

"I need a blowjob," Tig answered, and while it could have elicited a laugh at any other times, Jax just wasn't in the mood.

"Get one of the croweaters to do it… Which brings me back to my favor. There's a doctor, he needs to die."

"Why me?"

"Cause you're ruthless. You know pain, and not just your average pain. You're not shy when it comes to inflicting it."

"I can't tell if you're trying to get me in bed or insulting me…" The brown-haired man said.

"Man, I need you to be serious."

"Don't be such a pussy, can't you take a jest?"

"You may be the only person not knowing of this in Charming, but the woman I love has got cancer. Therefore my ability to take a dab and have a laugh is suffering a great deal right now."

"Rumor has it your little queen may be following in her mother's footsteps…"

"Don't you… How do you know about her mother? I mean, Piney knowing could make sense, Clay too, but you, you've never been around the Knowles…"

"I remember Tara being at JT's funeral with her dad and my cunt of an ex-wife said something about the girl having been through too many funerals already."

That did make sense in a way.

Jax felt like he would jump out of his skin at any point now. He just was not himself. There were so many things he wanted to do, so many things he wished he could do… His head was not really his anymore.

"Boy-o, you okay?" Tig asked.

"Yeah. No. Who cares? As I said, there's a doctor who needs to die, can you do it?"

"Why me?"

"If I had not intervened, you would have killed Donna upon Clay's orders while trying to get rid of Opie. I'd say I get to call in a favor, don't you?"

This got the older man thinking back to that episode, and how he had almost committed cold-blood murder of a mother and the wife of one of his brothers. Things had been crazy. Jax had managed to get wind of Clay's plot and derailed it.

The blond man knew that his brother had been shaken to his core when he had realized what had almost happened, realization coming to him in wave, but climaxing when Opie had announced that he was to be a father again.

"Get me details, for your doctor. I'll deal with him later tonight if you want. I'll need to observe him first, just in case, but ok, you do get to cash in that favor."

"Thanks Tig."

The two of them made their way back to the main table, where most of the men were.

His mother had appeared and said:

"What's this I hear about my son getting punched in the face by some trannie?"

The woman really did have eyes and ears everywhere. Whatever Tara decided, Jax knew for a fact they would need to leave Saint Thomas and find another facility for her to undergo treatment, otherwise it would just turn into one big soap opera.

"Don't you call Venus a tranny," he barked back.

"Venus?"

The boys burst out laughing.

"A tranny?" Tig echoed.

"Don't you start. She would whip you into submission, and you'd beg her for more. Don't make the mistake of underestimating her."

"But still…"

"I don't have time for your bullshit," Jax said, looking at them all but directing his venom to his mother. "Yeah, she did knocked me out, and she would, anyone of you, especially you, Gemma. She'll be glad to know that you've heard about her, she does have plenty of thoughts regarding you."

"A tranny whore… Jesus, who taught you how to fight?"

"Don't… Just, don't… I have other things I need to know. I believe Half-Sack should get patched in, all in favor, say Yay."

He knew he was breaking the rules, but in doing it so fast, it didn't ive anybody time to think about what he had done without Clay's blessing.

A row of "Yays" was heard, and his eyes crossed his step-father's, clearly annoyed, but also over-ruled if he were to say anything. Begrudgingly, he said:

"Yay."

"Good. I'll go get the patches," Jax said, as he watched Half-sack on the side looking awestruck. Cherry was literally on the edge of her chair, as if not believing what was happening.

He quickly went into the main offices and grabbed the ready jacket with the several patches needed for the man to become a full-fledge member.

As he came back out, Clay was waiting for him, and he all but ripped the vest from his hands.

"You're only VP, VP," the man barked.

However, as everybody was waiting for them, he didn't get a chance to elaborate.

"Kip, on your feet," Clay barked.

Half-Sack did just that, and the ceremony took place in a matter of minute. He swore his loyalty, pledged everything he owned, and then, he was a member.

Jax found himself smiling at the process. Sure, it could have been fancier, but the way Cherry was biting her hand on the side, standing close to a croweater she had befriended, it seemed like they didn't need anything more.

The brothers all congratulated the new member, who could hardly believe what was happening. Then he turned to the once-sweet butt, and said:

"We're getting married, babe! I'm so Old-Ladying you as soon as possible!"

Cherry didn't answer, only laughed before jumping in his arms and kissing him senseless.

Jax took pleasure in watching their happiness, but he took opportunity of everybody's attention being distracted to slip in the club house.

He went into his room and collected everything he had that mattered to him. He was not sure what the future held for him, sure knew he was not ready to deal with this ordeal. He grabbed all the objects that had any linked to Tara or his story with her, and put it in a bag. Maybe it was a long time coming, but right now, he felt less like a Son and more like a forlorn lover, in anguish at his beloved's pain.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Gemma asked from the door.

"What I need to," he answered quickly, wanting to get away from her.

"When the bitch is dead, you'll regret…"

He didn't let her finish and bulldozed his way out of the room. He didn't trust himself not to punch his mother or anyone else.

Outside, people were making plans for a great party for Half-Sack, and he felt almost guilty when he said:

"Kip, any chance you'd let me have a chat with Cherry"?

"Of course man, if Cherry wants to!" The new son answered.

"Good answer!" said his lover as she patted him on the cheek, before going with Jax.

She never questioned him when he led her on to the roof, to the place where he was almost certain no one would overhear them.

"How are you holding up?" She asked, when they arrived, and he gestured for her to take a seat.

"Not too good I guess? Thanks though for your card, and the rest."

"Anything for you and Tara, especially now that you … that you…"

"He earned it. I don't know what we were waiting for, for him to sacrifice himself heroically somehow in order to gain some posthumous entrance amongst our ranks? It made no sense. That's the thing, about the one you love having cancer, if you will, you start seeing things differently. Life is fleeing, and you can dick around or pony up. I'm ponying up. I would like to take you up on your offer about being there for me and especially Tara."

"Whatever you need. I mean it. Whatever."

"Would you… god, I can't believe this is so hard to ask, but… Tara's got a friend, Venus, and she's getting some time in the OR today. Venus asked me to be there for Tara but I don't know for sure if my presence would be good to her… Things are so fucking messy… Anyway, I was thinking, perhaps you could tag along, if you had the time. I'm supposed to stay around Tara while her bestie is under."

"That Venus chick sounds so bad ass…"

"She is, like you've got no idea."

"Tell me more about where Tara is at, if you're willing, so that I can tell you if my tagging along will help. Plus, if I do come, I need to know what not to say…"

"I think you'd be more efficient if I didn't brief you first, to be honest. You're infectious, like a disease, a lovely one of course, I ain't badmouthing the Old Lady of one of my brothers, and I think that you will naturally know what to do or not."

She thought about it for a moment then said:

"Sure. I'll send a croweater to take pictures of all the wedding gowns available in this town in the meantime."

"Man, I created a monster!" Jax joked upon witnessing how delighted Cherry looked at that thought.

He was doing what was right, he was sure of it. If it was just him and Tara, his beautiful shamrock might demean herself by begging for time at Cara Cara, as Venus thought, but if there was a third person, as cheery and bubbly as the soon-to-be Old Lady, he would deprive his beloved of the opportunity to pick a fight with him.

SOASOASOASOASOASOA

"Jax, what a lovely surprise!" Venus exclaimed upon seeing him enter the hospital room. And you must be… Cherry!" She exclaimed when she spotted the blonde woman.

"Guilty as charged!" The younger woman said.

"Vee, you're treating me like a child, I don't need a baby sitter, I won't do anything stupid…."

"You say that, and I believe you, but I never want you alone," the grand brunette said, putting her hand on her friend's cheek.

Jax didn't know where to sit or what to do, but Tara gestured for him to take a seat, feeling obviously resigned to the fact that she would have company.

"Tara, I know I can be a handful, please tell me to shut up when I annoy you, okay?" Cherry told her, as she came to grab her hands.

"I love her already!" Venus exclaimed.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Tara asked the younger woman, lifting herself to sit on her bed.

"Dunno. Maybe it's 'cause I always liked you. I would watch you from afar, being locked in this goddamn town, and I would be in awe at the way you took things in stride. I loved it when you came to Jax when he was cockblocking you. You're like a hero to me. I became a sweet butt and I won't say I made a mistake, but you were the kind of girl I was hoping to become…"

"A sad creature striken by disease?"

"Medicine has evolved, darling. You'll be fine."

"Aren't you afraid Gemma will do something nasty to you when she hears that you've come to see me?"

"Bitch, bring it on! I'm no sweet butt anymore, and even if I was, that witch would not get a say in my life."

"I really, really adore you," Venus told the girl.

"Right back atcha! Dang, you're making this hospital blouse looking like fucking haute couture!"

"Shush now, or I may have to adopt you!" the older woman said with a warm smile.

Jax met her stare, and saw that she approved of his initiative of bringing Cherry with him.

"And to believe I have to go under now," she said, upon seeing the nurse wheel in a bed. "Don't have too much fun without me!"

"We'll have twice as much when you're back!" Cherry said.

Jax saw Tara smiled lightly, and it was like a beacon, a lighthouse in the dark. He knew he was keeping silent, but if it allowed him to stay…

The nurses hooked Venus to many machines and more, and the anesthesiologist came to let her and Tara know about the procedure. The two really worked as a pair… He hoped he could become the third musketeer to their association.

"I'll see you in a few, love, don't do anything stupid, or I'll kill myself too and follow you in the afterlife!" Venus said as they wheeled her out.

Cherry, Jax and Tara had to let out a laugh.

"What a character! Man, I can't wait for her to take on Gemma! She's gonna shred her to pieces."

"Can't wait either," he heard himself say.

"So, what happens next?" Tara asked.

"I tell you all about my Kip being patched in thanks to boy-o here, and we paint each other's nail. Talk of cancer is forbidden," Cherry said.

"Jaw would look good with purple nails, don't you think?" Tara said, with a mischievous look.

Cherry looked like a child on the morning of a Christmas. He groaned, and wondered why he was suddenly the center of attention.

A few minutes later, as both women had made him climb on Tara's bed, and she was laughing as she prepared his nails for the coats of polish, he found himself not giving a shit in the world about what anybody would think. He had texted Tig with the info on the doc, and as long as Tara laughed, he was even ready to remove his shoes and offer his toenails for the girls to use him as a doll.

_As always, Read and review!_


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: Shorter chapter, but it is pivotal. I cried my eyes out. I would love your impressions._

When Venus was wheeled back in the room, and she was awake enough to tell Jax and Cherry that they could go, Tara felt like she could let out a breath, for the first time in so long. She had spent a lovely afternoon with the soon to be Old Lady, and her ex-lover, but there had been this nagging feeling at the back of your mind, pondering how her friend was doing.

"It was just a prothesis being fitted back in," Venus said, as if reading her mind.

"We painted Jax's nails black, did you see?" She replied, not wanting to acknowledge the depth of her anguish. "We even did his toenails, bright pink with sparkles!"

"I'd say someone is marking her territory, letting all croweaters and sweet butt and random women that a certain man is theirs…."

"Vee!"

"Tee!" The grand woman answered. "I'm in no way saying you granted him access to your lady parts, just saying that unless Cherry cleans his nails, when he gets back at the MC, he'll be broadcasting clearly that he's putty in your hands."

She had not thought about it, truthfully. It had felt strange having Jax close to her, in order to do the nail painting part. Sure, a few months ago, they had shared a bed, and several horizontal and non-horizontal surfaces during a wild round of sex, but that was before. Maybe she already had cancer back then… Then again, he had paid so much attention to her breasts, he would have felt a lump, wouldn't he?

"Don't ghost me, I'm right here young lady!" Venus exclaimed.

"I'm sorry… I'm just… reminiscing."

"Is it dirty? Please tell me it's dirty! I feel like a hag, bring some glamour back in my life!"

"Just thinking about the last time I had sex."

"It won't be the last time you do…"

"I don't understand it, Venus. I just don't," Tara said, unable to keep it in.

"Well, at a latter time, you'll find a suitable partner who will put his naughty bits in…."

The brunette threw a pillow at her, and the recovering woman laughed.

"What I meant is that, I don't get us. When you were under, if Cherry hadn't been here, and Jax hadn't played doll, I would have been consumed with worry about you. You may insist it's just a prothesis and whatever, but I was legitimately scared about you. At time, I feel like you may be my sister, my mother, the friend that someone designed especially to be there for me, or just a lovely stranger I can't get enough of."

"I would make a joke about that last part being the reason my business is thriving, but I'll refrain. Just know that it's mutual, my darling. I can be whatever you need, your mama, your big sister, hot as hell, and smart as fuck, your younger sister, though we've never tried that, or your Galatea, if you will."

"Galatea was the statue created by Pygmalion according to what he wanted a woman to be, and which was given life, right?"

"Maybe we're both each other's Galatea. And each other's Pygmalion. Now crawl over, babe, I want to hug you before I close my eyes. I know I was sleeping but that was the worst nap ever…."

Tara laughed then went over, hugging carefully the very tired woman.

None of them expected the next person who barged in.

SOASOASOASOASOA

"I can remove the polish," Cherry was yelling in his ear as they were on his bike.

He stopped the bike and waited till she gave him back his passenger's helmet, before removing his.

"I like it," he said. "I don't know, I never had an emo phase like kids in school, I feel like at 30, I can finally pull it off."

The blonde laughed.

"You just let me know… Jax wait…" She said as ha was about to walk her to the door.

"Yeah?"

"What you did for Kip, it's amazing. You're giving me a new life. And don't think just 'cause I've got the hair color, I don't have a brain. You knew Tara would need comfort, and you wanted to honor Kip and protect me at the same time by pulling the move you did. Your Ma can't do anything to me, unless she actually comes forward and forbid me to see your girl, at which point Kip will have to take my orders and go nomad so that Gemma can't touch us. What I'm saying is… Thank you."

"Right back at you. You were wonderful with Tara."

"She's a cool chick. I hate that she's going through this. I'll be there whenever you need me, okay?"

"I know, and thanks again."

"Jax!" Tig exclaimed, as he made his way to the two of them. "Have you seen Opie? He was looking for you!"

"Whatever for?"

"Donna gave birth, a couple of hours ago, a girl, named Lena. He wanted to ask you to be godfather."

"How lovely!" Cherry said. "I need to put together a care package! And give Piney a kiss on being a grandpa yet again!"

"Where is Opie now?" Jax asked, with a smile on his face.

He then witnessed something he very rarely got to see, as if the man had first hand knowledge of something but did not want to show it.

"He was going to find you at the hospital since you were with…"

"Oh no." Jax uttered, doom feeling his whole being, as he remembered Tara's insecurities about her possible barrenness.

"Go to her," Cherry said.

"Yes, do that," Tig said.

From out of nowhere, Jax remembered that the man's ex-wife had divorced him after her hysterectomy, after they had stayed together for years trying to have more kids.

"I'll be going now…"

He wasn't even sure he put his helmet on, just pulled the bike on the right path and drove… When he arrived at the hospital, he made his way to the floor where his love was. It was on his way there that he met his friend, and from the look on his face, he could tell what he dreaded had had to happen.

"Jax… I'm so sorry, I was so happy and…."

"Opie, sit down and tell me what happened." Jax commandeered though he felt like he knew.

"Donna, she finally gave birth, and I wanted to tell you… The baby, Lena, was delivered here, and I wanted to… I went to Tara's room. I could see you weren't there, except I wouldn't just turn around and leave. The tall woman, she ordered me to state my business, and I felt compelled to order… Boy that is one strong bitch, no offense."

"Op!"

"Sorry. I said what I had come to tell you, and Tara, she just… I don't know, fell apart. Or got stuck in concrete. She turned into a statue. The chick, Venus, ordered me out of there. I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"

"I know Opie. Go and enjoy your family."

"I can't… What I did…"

"Was unintentional, and that's the only reason Venus let you walk out alive."

"What dd I do, Jax?"

He considered all the lies he could tell, all the bits of truth, and everything.

"Tara may never have children, after treatment."

"Jax, I'm so sorry…"

Out of nowhere, the man felt his eyes get wet, and before he could do anything about it, he buried his head in his hands and hid his tears. Who was he crying for? Did he have any right to feeling this way? How selfish was he to bring things back to him?

"You couldn't know. I just… I hate it. I hate that on top of her ordeal, Tara is being plagued by consideration like that. I just want her to find the will to survive, and knowing what she'll be sacrificing to get better, it's hell. She's not between a rock and a hard place, she's having to chose what kind of martyr she wants to be. Fuck."

His best friend put a hand on his arm, and Jax tried to wipe the tears that kept spilling, as he said:

"I know I'm a dick, and I don't get to have any claim or whatever. I don't get to have an opinion, I don't get to chose or whatever. I always thought Tara would be my baby mother. You know how I felt when you thought she could be going to the doc because she would be with my kid… I don't know how I feel. Part of me still wants her to be the mother of my children, if she wants to, 'cause no one else would do the job, or could be that person to me, but I'm also conflicted. There may never be children, and I'm fine with that, except when I'm not, except I'm a cancer-free douchebag who can knock up any chick. Why the fuck am I crying like … this?"

"Because beyond that talk about being ok if Tara gets to live and have no kids, and probably meaning it, there's a part of you who has to mourn a future you idealized ever since you started dating her in high school. Everything that happened before, the ups and the many downs, the too many downs, it never killed that idea in the back of your head. But medicine is making it real. You're mourning the future you thought you would have with the only woman you ever loved."

"What about her? She must be… If I'm crying maniacally right now, can you imagine what's going through her head?"

"Absolutely not. Go to her."

Jax wiped his tears, and blew his nose, nodding along. He started making his way to Tara's room, but turned to say:

"Congrats Opie… I'll go check your little princess later."

"Take your time."

He felt like a dick, making his friend feel so bad about being a father, when he should have been supportive.

He made his way to the room, erasing the remains of his breakdown, and knocked on the door.

Tara was on her side, in her bed, and Venus was trying to get her to talk.

"Get the fuck out of here!" The woman roared upon spotting him, and he walked away.

He took a seat outside the room, hoping he would be allowed back in at some point.

The night was long, and at some point, Venus got out, and told him as she made him walk her outside so that she could have a smoke.

"I don't know what to do. She won't answer. She won't speak. She's frozen. It's lie she's locked in her head. I think I'll need to call for a psych intern if it goes on."

He nodded along, providing support. The woman went back in the room, and he stayed outside.

They must have fallen asleep at some point, for he woke up to Venus shaking him awake.

"Jax! Jax! You motherfucking dickhead, wake up!"

"What's wrong Venus,?" He asked, hoping the crank in his neck would disappear soon.

"She's gone."

Indeed, Tara's bed was empty, and her belongings, as few as they were, were gone.

She had completely disappeared, without a trace for them to trail.

_Please read and review! It helps me write_


	10. Chapter 10

She had been gone for five days now. Venus was going out of her mind.

When they had discovered Tara had pulled a fast one on them, Jax had called his brothers, those he could trust, and had asked them to start asking questions in town. She had been on mandatory bed rest and had hated every second of it. At night she couldn't sleep, the doctors had prescribed sleeping pills, which had made her anxiety even worse. She felt like while she was under, Tara could have been popping by, ready to come back to her, and she would miss her, as the younger woman would believe she was not being missed.

Jax was keeping in constant contact with her, but he was not having any luck either. He had gone to Tara's but she had already been by and had gotten what she felt she needed. He had searched the few places she could have gone to, but as his mother had been keeping the woman trapped in Charming, those were few and scarce. Apart from one motel and a cabin where her father would go fishing, he had not been able to think about another place where she could have stayed.

He had tried getting in touch with her uncle in San Diego, but she hadn't gone there. The boy was running in circles, but just wouldn't stop. Venus had tried to get him to brainstorm with her, but to no avail. He seemed to believe that if he ran himself into the ground, he would suddenly find the woman he was chasing.

Venus had been released from the hospital the day before and had gone back to the flat she was renting until she found something better. Claustrophobia had crept in almost immediately. She had ended up in a park, smoking cigarette after cigarette, something she absolutely hated, but she had not been able to help herself. When she had gotten back to the apartment, she had showered the smoke away and slept for a couple of hours. Nightmares had plagued her, and she had woken up feeling more exhausted.

She had taken extra care of herself, spent a good hour in the bathroom. She had curled her hair the way she liked it best, had taken care of her skin and complexion. It should have felt like she was treating herself to some self-loving, but truth be told, it had been more efficient in order to force her to focus on something that had nothing to do with her friend's disappearance.

She looked at herself in the mirror and adjusted her top to display her assets. She had never looked as gorgeous, she thought. She grabbed her bag, and went down to take the cab she had ordered.

When she arrived at the motorcycle repair shop, which she knew was so much more than met the eyes, she exited the car and took a deep breath, her sunglasses firmly planted on her nose, then made her way toward the entrance. All eyes were on her. Usually, she wouldn't have minded, but this was not a regular day. She was looking for Jax, as he had stopped answering her texts. She also needed to see Donna, who had been released from the hospital. She just wasn't sure where to look for her.

She told herself she was royalty, and she kept on walking.

"I need to speak to Jax Teller" she told someone she assumed to be a prospect, according to what she had learnt about MCs.

"He's busy right now, but…"

"Therefore he is in, I'll go see him," she declared.

The guy looked torn but did not know how to handle her.

She pushed past him and went in.

What she had not anticipated was barging in on a family-ish party. A woman she figured had to be Donna was showing around a small baby. Everybody stopped to look at her, and she realized that those who had stared outside had been regular workers or customers. The real bikers were inside.

"What the fuck you think you're doing?" one of them said coming to her.

"I need to see Jax. And Mrs. Winston too, if she's amenable," Venus said, making sure nothing betrayed her nervousness.

"She's not amenable, and trannies are not allowed in here," a woman with harsh features and a rack on display that would have impressed her under different circumstances, said.

"I'm quite certain Mrs. Winston can speak for herself, Gemma," she answered.

For this was the praying mantis, she had no doubt about it. Everything about the woman screamed "I'm the head bitch in charge and you should kiss the ground I walk upon". Luckily, she had been told in various occasions that her own demeanor screamed the same thing, and she had made kiss the walk she had walked upon.

She huffed her chest, and turned her back to the woman, a dangerous move she knew, but she did not want to exhibit any fear.

"What a lovely child," she said to Donna, waving at the baby. "You must be so proud!"

"And exhausted!" They both exclaimed at the same time, and they shared a chuckle.

"My name is Venus Van Dam, and I was hoping to have a minute of your time."

She then cooed at the baby. She could feel the glares on her back, her ass, every part of her, but she couldn't let it show. Therefore, she just went with the flow, and smiled at the delightful baby girl.

"Hey, Trannie, I was talking to you," Gemma said, and Venus felt overwhelmed by so many emotions, but instead, she chose to say:

"Language! In case you didn't notice, there is an adorable baby in the room."

"Don't you shush me or tell me what I can and can't say."

"Or what? Never mind, don't answer that, you'll get me kicked out of here, and probably abused by your cronies, and it will be all fun and joy, except not really. However today, I really need that word with Mrs Winston and to find Jax."

"All about this fucking cunt. Can't she die already? She's long overdue anyway," Gemma said.

Next thing the brunette knew, she was grabbing the woman by the throat and lifting her from the ground, just a couple of centimeters, but impressively enough. She dropped her before the MC men could get their guns, but she said:

"I do so apologize for my rudeness, but as I am a Southern lady, I happen to react poorly to comments made in bad taste regarding my girl."

"I should kill you right here and right now," a man growled, and from the patch on his vest, Venus gathered he was the new husband, Clay whatever his last name was.

"And do jail time for committing a hate crime against a minority? Go ahead, big boy, I hope you'll enjoy dying in Fresno or wherever they send you."

She was usually milder, if one could say, trying not to taunt hate violence especially as far as she was concerned, but she found that right at that second, she didn't give a fuck.

"Or w could just cut its dick," Gemma said. "I heard in town that you still have it. Let us chip in in your transformation program."

"I'm quite satisfied with my reproductive organs, thank you very much for your offer," the transgender woman said as if there was no blatant threat.

"You know what boys? Come to think of it, I think we would all go to bed being a little less stupid if one of you guys just grabbed the tranny and showed us its groin," Gemma went on.

Venus pretended to bend toward Clay as she fake-whispered;

"You know, her insistence on trying to get a pick at my dick makes me ponder if you deliver in the bedroom. I know someone who could prescribe you some Viagra if needs be."

"Hey bitch, don't you talk to my husband like that."

"Hey, witch, about you shut the fuck up and wait for your son to come and tell you to back off? 'Cause we both know when it comes to choosing a man in your life, you'll go with your son. After all, he has some of your genes, including shitty ones if I remember correctly, a heart defect? That's not the point. When push comes to shove, you'll stand by a man who does not consider you his mother anymore, and your shiny husband will be humiliated in front of your whole family."

"Quite right I don't consider her my mother anymore," Jax said, as he entered the room.

She would have been ready for another round, and then anther one, but his appearance would have made her sigh with bliss.

He came to her, and kissed her cheek, almost defiantly, watching all his brothers, daring them to say anything.

"Didn't know you swing that way," one guy with piercing blue eyes said.

She would have taken him as a client, just so that she could teach him his place, which was at her feet, but she pretended he wasn't there.

"I'm sorry for barging in," she told Jax before he could answer, "but you weren't answering my text and I was going crazy. I won't come here again, too many negative energies in the room, but I had to, this one time."

"Don't apologize Vee, you were looking for me. Anyone who's got a problem with you has got a problem with me, let's clear the air about that."

"I don't have a problem with Miss Van Dam"," the same guy said, mockingly, "I just don't know what the protocol is. Do we shake hands? Does "she" curtsy? It's very new to us."

"And you're dying to have a taste," Jax said right back.

There was the woman in her who would have sworn the man looked guilty or approving or whatever of such statement, but she went with:

"Who are you talking to, Jax, my dear? All I can hear is a dog, barking. He should be whipped into learning his place, but I've got other issues to attend to today."

"That was a good one," Donna said, sort of barging in the conversation even though she had always been part of it. "Tig, you're gross. I can't help but wonder if you actually liked it when your mama would wash your mouth with soap to teach you manners. As for you, my dearest miss Van Dam, and, well, Jaxie Jax, what can I do for you?"

"What can she do for us?" Jax repeated.

"I was just thinking, Tara told me many things about her time in Charming, before she kissed you goodbye and kicked your ass, and I was focused on that time you spent together in high school. You couldn't have shagged at her place, and she told me that she didn't feel like fucking when the dragon, hum, I meant your mother, was around. I was thinking that perhaps our dear friend could help us remember a place where you would meet, and do ungodly things?"

"You're the only ungodly thing in this room," Gemma said then spat.

"Jesus Christ, do that again woman, and I'm pulling out my whip. And before you make an ass of yourself, I don't mean my dick. I mean an actual leather stripe," Venus said.

The blue-eyed man looked strangely appealed and appalled.

"Don't, she could like it," Jax said. "But that's a good point. I've been everywhere that had a meaning for us, but maybe I've missed a place. Donna, do you remember us having a party somewhere or something along those lines? Any clue would be useful. I know you and Tara were never close, my fault, but maybe you remember things differently from my male perspective.

"I'm sorry, I'm on baby brain right now. Can you hold her for a second?" she asked Venus, who agreed to rock the precious bundle while their last hope was trying to wash maternity from her mind to find them a clue.

"Someone has got to be the most precious girl I've seen in my lifetime, apart from my Ophelia," Venus cooed, and her heart felt like it was tightening in her chest.

They needed to find Tara, or she would go crazy.

"I'm so sorry… Perhaps you can leave me your phone number, and if anything comes to mind, I'll ring you?" Donna finally said.

"Sure," a smiling Venus replied, even though she was crestfallen.

One less lead, except it was their last one.

Where the fuck was Tara?

_A/N: I'm so sorry for the delay, but the stats show lesss and less people are reading this fic, and I have so many more things planned, I get very depressed. I'm sorry, I'm needy. Life is shit, this is supposed to be the opposite, you know? However, next chapter, we find Tara, and I'll hope you'll be utterly schocked/baffled/amazed, whatever by this next part which is such a pain in my rear to write. Also, thoughtson the first of several Gemma/Venus showdown? Please read and review!_


	11. Chapter 11

So she had fled.

She had picked up her belongings while Venus was sleeping, and she had slipped out of the hospital, quickly signing the discharge papers, knowing she only had so much time before her roommate might wake up.

Tara had not really thought things through, and the more she had been away, the harder it had been to come back. It was the fifth morning she was waking up in her hiding place.

She was even more lost than when she had been faced with reality, the fact that she would be barren if she made it out alive.

She looked out the window, holding the blanket around her fragile shape. She could not remember the last time she had had something to eat. She just could not bring herself to care.

Before all of this, she had told herself her moment would come, and perhaps she would get to live her life, to have children and be a mother. Then this had happened, and she had had to deal with the fact that she probably would never have children.

Perhaps, the most despairing thing to her was the fact that she was realizing that given the situation she was being kept in, even her previous dreams of being a mother had been just that, a dream. Gemma would never let her move away, and no one would have gotten close enough to her to get her pregnant. She had been fucked and had not known it. She was still fucked and did not know what to do about it.

She looked down at herself and thought that a change of clothes would be good, but she did not have spare clothes. She was washing those she wore every day while under the shower, then wore them as they dried. She knew how pathetic she was being. She just did not care.

She looked around, and her eyes fell on the bed in which she had made a point not to sleep. When they were teenagers, Jax and her had fucked there many times. When she was sixteen, she would call it making love. She just did not know anymore. She was too exhausted to care.

When the door opened, it almost did not register, it was only when the newcomer spoke that she realized what was happening.

"Thought I'd find you here," Piney said, trailing behind him his gas tank.

She wanted to say something, anything, but she had no saliva, no strength, no voice. She moved her lips weakly but could not utter a sound.

She knew she should have been jumping to her feet, apologizing, asking for forgiveness and more, but it had been five days and those were taking a toll on her. The first few days, she had eaten a few granola bars, but then had lost all appetite all together. She only kept on drinking, mostly out of habit, as she would carry a glass of water as she gazed out the window, taking in the beautiful natural surroundings.

She was at Piney's old hunting cabin. This had been the place where she and Jax had gotten together, away from their parents and friends. Opie used to complain about his father liking the cabin more than he loved him, and the two then lovers had taken advantage of the remote location. They had had to run through the window a couple of times upon hearing Opie's old man make his way to the door.

That was then, and this was now.

"So, girl, are you ready to join back the living?" He asked, as he sat down, not too far from her.

Uncontrollably, she broke down sobbing. It took all of her energy, and she felt so weak.

She was dead, for all extensive purposes. She was a shadow of herself. She had stopped caring. She had completely left the land of the living.

"You should cry, but you'll do it later, you're too weak right now. Mary is on her way, and she will get some food in you. She will also help you take a bath and wash away your misery.

"Why?" She croaked, not sure what she was asking exactly.

"Girly, do you think you're the first one to ever have cancer? Misery is natural, but you had time and now it's enough. Your friend is going crazy, she even came down to the compound today, and was almost killed by Gemma."

"What?"

"Jax is beyond himself. I cannot blame you for not wanting to have him near you and for needing to wallow, but I do not want your friend, that Van Dam creature, to end up in a body bag, because you're processing."

"I…."

"Don't talk. Wait for Mary."

And so, wait for Mary, they did. The woman arrived about ten minutes later, wearing her usual scowl, but she took control of the situation. She grabbed Tara, surprisingly gently, and took her to the bathroom. She poured a bath and had the sick woman get in. Tara was too tired to fight even though she felt even more vulnerable, standing naked next to a fully dressed woman. Mary washed her hair three times and rinsed her body. Then she dried her with towels, then got her back in the main room. Without saying a word, she warmed a can of soup and put it in front of Tara, who had no choice but to start sipping the mug, as her stomach could not bear too many at a time.

"Why?" Tara finally asked again, when she had enough energy.

"Did you ever wonder why Harry is an only child?" Mary asked.

She shook her head no.

"I had uterine cancer. It was discovered when I gave birth."

"But… why?"

Why was she helping Piney get rid of her?

"It was back in the days, you were a babe. Piney and I pretended to get a divorce, but we're still married. I just knew that having a barren wife would not fly with the club."

"But I wanted Mary. No matter how much she's a pain in my ass, she's my pain."

"And you're my burden to bear," the woman told her husband.

Tara wondered if she was hallucinating.

"The thing is, we know, what it means to discover that your life is threatened by your own body," Piney said.

"I did not mean to crash at your place…."

"You just came to the one place you remembered from when you were screwing Jax ages ago," Piney said.

"I just… I don't know how I am supposed to go back there, and just… Deal with it. I don't know."

"You just do."

"It's going to be hell, Tara, but you have no choice. You're no ostrich, you can't put your head in the sand and wait for death to come. You have got people caring for you."

"You can count them on the fingers on one hand, and one only care because I'm the one who got away."

"If you had Mary and I, the hand should be full, with your ex. If we had my son and his wife, who used to be your friend, then you need a second hand," Piney said.

"Oh God!" Tara moaned, tears pooling in her eyes.

How could she explain to Venus that she fled because it was human, fight or flight and she could not fight so then she had flown away. It had not been a testament to what she thought of their burgeoning friendship, it had been visceral.

She kept on sipping on the soup and cried silently.

"I would weep too if I realized that my fairy godmother was Mary…"

"Like you make an amazing fairy godfather, asshole", The fairy told her ex but then again not ex husband.

"You've got to get up and take decisions. Time is your enemy. But you have got friends. So, even if you want to die, you get up and face the music."

"I don't want to be "the dead girl" or "the walking corpse"… Gemma will never let me try to get treatment without finding ways to remind me everyday of the fact that I am playing poker and I have no idea if my hand is a good one or not."

"Fuck Gemma," Said Mary.

"Agreed," said Piney. "You can't let one bad bitch fuck you up. You've got bigger issues to deal with. She should not even be in your rearview mirror."

"I don't know…."

"Yes, you know."

Tara cried some more, feeling like the saddest piece of human being ever, sipping on cold soup.

She supposed the odd couple were right. She could not hide. Or she could, but she would have to do it at her own place. She did not want to talk to doctors.

But then, she did miss Venus… And perhaps Jax, just a little.

"For Fuck's sake… " she said, "I guess you're right."

"Good. Jax and your friend will be there in ten minutes."

So much for getting herself ready to enter back the workd….

_Sorry I went MIA. _  
_I had health trouble, I was buglarized, moved 1000 km away from my previous home. Mostly, this story was too painful, as stupid as it sounds. I want to do it justice, but crying my eyes out while writing, it takes a toll, especially when you're not certain people are reading, you know?_  
_So please, R&R!_


	12. Chapter 12

Venus could finally breathe. They had found Tara, or more accurately, a strange biker man with an oxygen tank had found her for them.

Jax had gotten in touch with her as soon as he had been informed of her location, and he had come to pick her up in a SUV. They had ridden far, or so it had felt to her, so much time and distance between her and her girl…

They had not spoken, both too lost in thoughts.

When they had arrived at the cabin, Oh Lord. The biker man had opened the door, and had led them to the main room, where a woman was almost force-feeding Tara. Jax had whispered something about the woman being Piney's former old lady. Her girl had looked… Her cheeks were hollowed, her hair a mess, her face whiter than a ghost. She really looked like the sick woman she claimed to be, and it had taken all of Venus' will not to start weeping, suddenly feeling overwhelmed, as if understanding for the first time what Tara would be going through. She had ponied up and had put on a brave face, thanking the woman, Mary, for taking care of Tara. She then had wrapped a coat she had brought with her around the frail woman, and they had gone to the car. Jax had stayed behind for a few minutes, speaking to his biker friend.

She supposed it was a brave stance, the old man had taken, finding Tara when Gemma and her latest husband had sort of implied that she should be left to rot.

But here they were now. Both Venus and Jax were in the front, Tara was on the backseat, wrapped in the coat as well as a blanket. She looked outside the window, and there were tears flowing down her cheeks.

"We look like a cross family", Venus said, trying to get them talking.

Jax looked at her, and she saw from the side of her eye Tar's head turning toward them.

"Look at us! I'm the mama, we went to pick our teenager who's rebelling, and you're clenching your fist in order to not start yelling right away," she explain.

"Does that mean you and I are married in that scenario?" Jax said, holding back his anger.

Venus knew he was furious but it only served to hide how terrified he was.

"And I'm the brat?" Tara whispered. "Good for you Jax, I approve of this wife for you."

"It's you I was supposed to marry."

"You won't have time, I'm dying."

So much for trying to lift up the mood.

"I just need to find a priest, and it's done. Not to mention, you ain't dying."

"You dirty dog," Venus exclaimed, "leaving me so soon for the next best thing? What kind of husband are you?"

"The kind who sleeps with the love of his life instead of showing up to his own marriage," Jax said.

"Jesus, you really won't let me try to not have this somber mood settle in, will you?"

"What can I say, Vee? I'm pissed. I'm so pissed. Pissed that I never thought about checking out Piney's cabin, pissed off that I allowed her out of my sight."

"I'm right here…" Tara said.

"Yes, you finally are. Do you know how hard and thoroughly we looked for you?"

"I'm sorry…" came the pitiful answer, and it was the last straw.

"Stop the car!" Venus exclaimed.

"What the fuck?"

"I said stop the car! If you don't stop it this instant, I'm marrying Tara, and you'll be fucked in so many ways you won't know if you enjoyed any of it."

Thankfully, they were still not out of the woods, no pun intended, and he was able to just stop the car in the middle of the road.

Venus took off her seatbelt and got out of the car, sliding on the backseat, gathering Tara in her arms, and putting the belt around the two of them.

Tara immediately started weeping in her arms, saying she was sorry in a raspy voice, and Venus wanted nothing more than to get her back to some fighting spirits. She wanted to take care of her.

"You can start back the car," Venus said, gently caressing the woman's hair, and letting her cry as much as she needed.

She exchanged a look in the rearview mirror with Jax, who looked like he wanted to scream; apologize, join them, all at the same time. She understood his inner turmoil, but Tara had not allowed him back in her life for good yet. As time had passed, Venus had started feeling like she would support her friend if she decided to let him in, in whatever capacity she felt comfortable. Tara would decide, and Venus had the gun to shoot his balls if he ever got as close as he wanted to her girl, and did something that warranted retaliation.

Finally, they were out of the wood, and they hit the highway.

"Wait, where are we going?" Tara asked after a while, noticing the direction they had taken.

"Sacramento, Tar'," Jax said.

"What?"

"You need time, to think things through, to not worry about things that are not directly related to your actual… conundrum. I was unable to see that I was a dick who kept you locked in charming by letting my mother do it. I'm not that dickless jerk anymore, though I'm still pretty jerk-ish. We only had a little time to figure it out, but with Venus, we figured you needed to get out of Charming, even for a little while.

"I took us a suite at the Westin, and Jax has a room there too. We'll stay for as long as you want to. Do you want to go there? Because, Jax, being the jerk he acknowledged he still was, forgot to ask you if you wanted to…"

Tara kept silent for a long time, looking out the window, watching the scenery pass by. Venus felt anxious that they had taken a wrong decision, but after meeting the praying mantis, she had wanted to protect the girl, and as she was so fragile right now, it seemed smart to get her to a luxury place, where she could eat what she wanted, relax at the spa, and if she chose to, see a doctor among the list that Venus had gathered to start talking about treatment options.

"I don't have any clothes…" Tara whispered.

"I will buy anything you need. Cherry packed some of her clothes for you to have," Jax said. "She'll be in Sacramento in a couple of days with Half-Sack, after they're married for their honeymoon."

"I'm a charity case."

"No, you're not. You just need help for a second, and some people are happy to give it to you. You'll pay them back in fold when you are u p for it," Jax countered.

"Come on, love, take a walk on the bright side…."

"Isn't the song about taking a walk on the wild side?" the brunette asked, and they all laughed.

The song about the proud transgender prostitute inviting people to take a walk on the wild side had always been Venus' anthem.

"We'll stay for a night, or two…."

"Whatever you say, babe."

"No more, it's too expensive, and I'm already buried under a ton of debts."

"That's a topic for another day. Let's get you better, and then we'll see the problems. They'll still be there when you're better, as well as the solutions."

"M'k…. Okay," Tara relented, putting her head against Venus' shoulder.

The taller woman exchanged another look in the rearview mirror with Jax, both feeling relieved they were being allowed to take care of the woman they loved.

"They've got an outdoor pool, and a spa…. Doesn't a massage sound great?" Venus cooed.

"It really does…"

"You'll get better… It will be great."

"Hum hum," Tara responded, before falling asleep.

They would be talking such great care of the brunette, she would never want to go back to Charming. She would have to, but the good thing was that Jax was finally on board with program, which said that Tara did not deserve to be kept by someone has terrible as his mother. It was good he was finally seeing the light.

Venus huddled the brunette closer to her, and hummed, as they drove toward their soon to be haven.


End file.
